yeah i know drunk posting. my arm is the most disgusting mess. felt so good. god i seen myself after i showered today....it was so fucking disgusting. felt so much of a relief to cut. why do i have to be such a fucking pathetic failure?
i reckon i had like 1500 cal? god ffs im such a joke. theres blood everywhere and everyone is just disgusted. lol if u think living with it is bad try being the one doing it.
doesnt hurt enough.

its not some sort of relapse its just the fucking truth. thats what i hate. pathetic stupid bitch...why do you still want the same stuff as bad?

its gonna suck when i wake up tomoz. least i dont feel nausious any more. ironic a bit. fuck this shit i hate this. same bullshit over and over.


hmmm i dont wanna go to bed. means i have to get up and feel like a retard in 8 hours. god i am though.

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid bitch.

omfg i got the flu.

s'not that bad actually i just feel icky.



lol i had an actual conversation with my mum about how if i was abroad and all of a sudden found out about a concert that i HAD to go to how she would wire money to me and stuff. lol i dunno it was just funny coz it was so serious.

this blog made me sad for a while. i dont want to only feel safe enough to post here while im drunk.
i dunno i just want it back i guess.

i hate the way i take my anger our on myself. either cut or binge. latter tonight coz i'm going home tomorrow and its hard to hide cuts. also i KNOW i shouldn't. it makes things worse in the long run. just so fucking hard to remember that when it feels so fucking good at the time. god. need to distract myself from the blades but no one wants to know.

i know i know stop being a fucking attention whore.

havent had my period in fucking ages. i think it stresses me out more than i admit. drinking was so fucking hard tonight. i fucking hate it, being this fucking weak. This weekend is going to suck so fucking badly but monday night will be the biggest relief EVER.

hopefully when i get back i can excercise at least 40 mins a day and study at work. That'll make me alot happier. Can't think about the fucking junk inside me right now its so fucking awful. i'll be fine though, as long as i make it through the weekend without freaking out i can start ot fix this on monday.


so a month of getting to exercise when i want. ish. well if so it'll make me so happy. god i havent had this much shit in my system for so long. fml. im so disgusting i need it out. it'll be fine though. 2 days. i can do this.

God might weigh myself on wed then wait another week. fucking terrifies me how much fat i stuff down my throat every day. stupid bitch god i need to stop this i need to get better.

im more in control if i dont drink, or go home or have to eat cake at work or go to retaurants or drink or any of that shit. will be SO fucking glad if i can use the crosstrainer again.

can't even begin in to guess my weight right now. at least 120. probably more like 125?

doesnt even matter i can see the fat in the mirror. ew. jfc. right ok fine. monday. will make this better. will work off any of the shit i have to eat at work.

got the piss taken out of my at work the other night. saying i was always cold because i have bad circulation coz im too thin. shut the fuck up. i realise its funny that im obsessed with food and so fat but just SHUT THE FUCK UP. god i need to stop this and go to bed. hate not ever being able to speak about this at all.

it stresses me out all of the time so fucking much and i can never fucking say anything. ok fine so whatever, most of me doesnt even give a shit if i've really lose my period. be a fucking tragedy if i ever got pregnant anyways. god ew.

right ok fucking attention whoring bitch go to sleep. longest rant ever.

Guess i was too drunk to post this or something last night, it was open on my computer when i got up.


( cut for stupidity )

spent the whole of last night eating apples and listening to the beatles and playing solitaire.

then i cut my arm up.

then i went to sleep and had a nice fucked up nightmare

then i got up and realised i nowhere near cut deep enough

also im a bit fucked since i have the doctors on tuesday and my mum is INSISTING she come in with me

fuckmylife.  

i feel ok though coz i just cut. like shitty but i can think about that instead. its nice.

122.6 this morning bytheway.

god im such a disgusting piece of shit. just need to find somewhere to cut deeper. i want my knife back so much, theres no way i lost it someone clearly took it. for fucks sake i like how the only thing that makes the day bareable gets veto'd by the people that make me use it. thats not fair, its not anyone else its me. god first chance i get i swear im gonna leave fucking scars. stupid bitch.

so tired of how much i hate you.


the only thing i want is to get a knife and cut you until you wake the fuck up and understand your never going to amount to anything more than the trashy little self absorbed failure you are now.


how much did you eat today?

how much work did you get done?



how many stupid fucking cuts do you think that should add up to??

stupid fucking bitch.

your baisically this pathetic piece of trash. stupid ungrateful little bitch who doesnt deserve the way anyone puts up with her. all you do is complain and skulk around in a mood. so fucking wrapped in stupid bullshit like starving yourself.
you dont have anything anyone would be interested in.

failure at school, moody bitch, no personality, freakish obsession with shit emo bands. you have nothing in common with anyone else.

your so disgusting your such a fucking embarassment.


this is why no one cares when you speak and this is why no one will look you in the face.

take the fucking hint already you stupid cunt no one wants you around. even you cant stand the thought of yourself why are you even still here?! 


you think your fucking lonely? you dont deserve ANYTHING you have.

stupid fucking cow i hate you so much.

feel so fucking awful.

havent even fucking finished this translation because im too stupid to fucking do it. literally i have no idea how im gonna get through tonight without taking that fucking knife the first chance the kitchens empty.

fuck seriously this fucking sucks i just fucking HATE that nothing makes this better.

want to get so fucking drunk so none of this matters.

god seriously i actually cant deal with this. theres this fucking PHYSICAL need to hurt myself.

i need to cut this stupid dumb bitch. just fucking hate her so fucking much.

god i dont wanna wake up tomorrow and start a whole new week of this shit.


fml

It's 20 to 7. i need to pee and i'm having a Bad Day. Ok so more like a bad life really but what the hell are you gonna do about it? I've bit my nails so fucking much again. Seriously i don't know how this stress doesn't actually kill me. I feel like utter fucking shit and nothing is ever getting any better! i fucking hate this shit why can i not just be fucking normal? why do i continue to let myself be a such a fuckup in life?!?!

jesus fucking christ i actually failed a uni exam. like this isn't even funny. I don't even want to think about uni any more because if Tsuda's so fucking shit then what the hell is the point in even sticking around here?!

My birthday is in two days and i don't even want to celebrate it.

I'm failing Japanese, my "friends" don't want anything to do with me (no ones blaming them), I'm swinging between cutting myself and starving myself and i'm seriously fucking behind on saving for Japan. My body is so fucked up. So is my head. I just want a way out of all this. out of my fucking life.

I feel like i'm never going to be anything other than the pathetic piece of shit i am now and it's fucking awful to think of the rest of my fucking life stretching out like this. i cant be this miserable for much longer i actually cant fucking bare the thought of feeling like this much longer.

When you're younger it isn't so bad because you think "once schools over, then im grown up, once i move out, once i have friends and a job and my own family"

well fuck that shit. The only thing i learned from turning 18 is that any sort of happiness in adulthood is a fucking delusion.

I'm always going to be this ugly disgusting piece of trash that can't apply herself for shit. If i ever manage to pass uni it'll be a fucking miracle. I'm so fucking resentful of the fact i'm never going to get a decent job and i'll never have my own family but i shouldn't even give a shit because the one thing i hate most about my fucking life above all the other bullshit i constantly fucking moan about is that every single fucking day im still here, all im doing is inflicting myself on everyone around me.


why the fuck does anyone else want to put up with trash like me?
A: they dont you dumb bitch. take the fucking hint already.

my life is so fucking pointless and it's so hard not to use that fucking knife when all i want to do is hurt this stupid fucking bitch that just ruins everything all the time. I know it only makes things worse but to be honest im sick of fucking lying to myself. this is never going to get better.


know whats really pathetic? i was fucking proud of myself for not using that knife last night.

tonights hard.



im trying so hard not to but im not even totally sure why...should just shut the hell up and be content with my tea.


it shouldn't be this fucking difficult not to hurt myself. its pathetic and disgusting. do i want to cause drama for myself? am i that bored?


just need to get my head to be fucking quiet for a while. want to make it hurt so i dont feel anything else.

i dont like people to see them, but i'm sad the cuts are healing.



struggling so bad tonight.



xoxo

...where you wanna be sick everytime you see a mirror.

So then you go and comfort eat.



stupid fat loser.




lmao where did my happiness go?? maybe it'll come back if i get some sleep. fuck i wish i'd never bought food.





xoxo

it's freezing out but im lovely and cosy beside my heater tonight! 

need to call my brother i think he went back to school this week so i haven't been able to get a hold of him. We're going to Wagamama's for my brithday lunch next weekend and i need to make sure he'll eat something there.

Today is the shittiest day in a while. Wouldn't be surprised if i just got alot of diet coke and my knife out tonight. If it makes me happy i'm all for it.

feel stupid for even wanting to go bowling on sunday. they're going for a meal after. Not only is that the stupidest idea ever for me but even better its the night before we go back to uni and i'll just be all alone anyways.

Wish i could go and hang out with my brother and watch shitty horror movies all night and make random food and have the dogs sit with us.

God i don't want to be at work right now i just want to be in bed still. fuck my life today.

xoxo

I don't think im going to do a very good job of coping once everyone comes back and we start up classes again. It's my birthday next week and im just so fucking apathetic about everything. I want something to look forward too. Hearing about japan? I'm trying i swear.

i have reason not to trust myself i fucked my arm up tonight just because i was sick of feeling numb. how fucked up is that?

I got up the courage to weight myself this morning. 119.8

and everything is so fucking meaningless.

i want to believe that i can get over this.

but its like i still have to keep proving to myself that i still hate that bitch in the mirror.

trash failure loser



i can't go out there and try and rebuild my relationship with them because they shouldn't have to be around a disgusting piece of shit like me. they're happy i hate being myself and having to face how bad i just dont measure up to them. imstilltrying.

xoxo

have what are probably hunger cramps. that or like...stomach cancer...O_o (jokes! lol sorry not funny)

made instant mash and tea. i have no idea why i thought that would help but i couldn't eat anything solid its too late.

it totally hasn't helped. well it took my mind off things for a bit.

will be perversly happy going to sleep in pain tonight.

still totally just chilling out and enjoying the downtime.

i miss my puppies alot. i always miss them when im relaxing.

will try and phone my brother today (well when i wake up w/e) and write some essay.

NYE was really fun.

Feel like i don't trust myself at all.

Excited beyond words to find out where we're going for our Year Abroad

Kind of want to do something for my birthday. Like drunk cinema or a meal? But everyones pretty poor i think. Maybe we can cook in and rent a movie? We'll be back to school so probably it'll be best to just go for a meal with my family. Think mum wants to go to wagamamas.

Wish new tour dates would get announced i have like £55 christmas money i could spend on a couple of gigs!!!! 

No idea why but i've bit my nails again tonight. Hurts. Wish i'd stop doing that.


xoxo

I might join this community: mission101_2009  "101 Things in 1001 Days - January 1, 2009 to September 29, 2011"
29/11/11 i will be...21? graduated university? alone? stronger? different? successful? happy?

It's the last night of 2008 tomorrow. My arm hurts and i think i lost my knife wtf? Well i have a new one so no big deal. This and hunger pains make me feel so fucking happy and i dont give a shit how immature and pathetic and unoriginal it fucking works and i refuse to give up the only things i enjoy. part of me wants to draw blood, want to mark so deep it cant heal but at the same time the marks would make things worse. so for now i'll just make it hurt how i can.

Today out with two of my best friends. We met someone from class, funniest guy. He's really nice. When we tapped his shoulder he turned to say hi and said "so how are you two?" to my friends. Guess i just embrace the paranoia now.

being drunk tomorrow will be lovely.

xoxo

my head hurts so much! kept waking up last night and i have a really chesting cough thats making my throat all raw.

apart from that i'm just so freaking happy it's nearly christmas! home for two days! presents! dinner! baking mince pies! gonna give my puppies HUGE hugs!

seriously i preffered the spinning to the headache. hurts alot. got a whole shift to deal with. gah it'll be worth it at 10 o'clock! it's 5 to 11 and i still haven't showered or wrapped presents or packed or wrote out christmas cards. boo hiss boo.

ow. don't want to sit at work tonight, just want painkillers. 11 hours!

Gotta go rush now coz i'm seriously actually late i think!!


Merry christmas eve to everyone though! (i would just text people but i have a feeling i'd be wasting my credit)


xoxo

300 from bread/chocolate
chips & grilled pork loin for tea
too many throat lozengers.

had acid cramps this morning.

not hungry now

so many throat lozengers i'm litereally swaying and losing my vision. might just be the heat though. I've eaten far too much for it to be anything to worry about.

This time tomorrow i'm going to be almost finished for christmas!!! Hope i have energy when i get home i have cards to write and presents to wrap! Very excited for christmas! really hope i get to make awesome mince pies! 



Hope everyone else is having a superfantastic christmas. feel so secluded here on my own! 

xoxo

so im starting from scratch. it's going to be awesome. going to flush myself out with water tonight i think. Have awesome fic to read, some christmas cards to write and a whole bottle of diet coke waiting for me at home in the fridge!

I'm going to be so fucking tiny i swear to god i will be able to count my bones. Really fucking excited to actually work at my life. i think this weekend at home actually helped me sort my head out. thank fucking god.

Need to clear my system out from all this "comfort eating" this week. Skin is seriously skanky. The scale is going to be sad times tomorrow but i need to know where i am to motivate my fat ass! Need to go on the crosstrainer more since i'm not walking as much over the holidays.

on 700 (approx) but it's only just afternoon and hopefully this means i won't have to have anything at all tonight. very fucking excited.

Oh and cobra got postponed so i have an unknown amount of time to get thin enough to fit into those nice pinstripe trousers. Yey for that!


ok so i'll just overly happy today! can't wait to get back to my flat and cosy and just be really fucking hungry tonight.

xoxo