it's freezing out but im lovely and cosy beside my heater tonight! 

need to call my brother i think he went back to school this week so i haven't been able to get a hold of him. We're going to Wagamama's for my brithday lunch next weekend and i need to make sure he'll eat something there.

Today is the shittiest day in a while. Wouldn't be surprised if i just got alot of diet coke and my knife out tonight. If it makes me happy i'm all for it.

feel stupid for even wanting to go bowling on sunday. they're going for a meal after. Not only is that the stupidest idea ever for me but even better its the night before we go back to uni and i'll just be all alone anyways.

Wish i could go and hang out with my brother and watch shitty horror movies all night and make random food and have the dogs sit with us.

God i don't want to be at work right now i just want to be in bed still. fuck my life today.

xoxo

I don't think im going to do a very good job of coping once everyone comes back and we start up classes again. It's my birthday next week and im just so fucking apathetic about everything. I want something to look forward too. Hearing about japan? I'm trying i swear.

i have reason not to trust myself i fucked my arm up tonight just because i was sick of feeling numb. how fucked up is that?

I got up the courage to weight myself this morning. 119.8

and everything is so fucking meaningless.

i want to believe that i can get over this.

but its like i still have to keep proving to myself that i still hate that bitch in the mirror.

trash failure loser



i can't go out there and try and rebuild my relationship with them because they shouldn't have to be around a disgusting piece of shit like me. they're happy i hate being myself and having to face how bad i just dont measure up to them. imstilltrying.

xoxo

breaded mushrooms stuffed with garlic mayonnaise. Could even have been deep fried. With chips. And to top it off: 144 cal worth of sprite.

Words cannot describe how disgusting i feel.

1500 at least.

Just want to be free of myself.



Wish i could go missing for a while.



xoxo

i managed to lock myself out of this account for a couple of days? seriously im sure the password was right! i tried everything else!
anyways im over my moment of gimpyness.

Yesterday sucked a little. only because i was tired and weak all day and SO COLD then i got home late and went pretty much straight to bed then when i got up i was so fucking exhausted and thursdays are the shittest days for classes and i knew i had work tonight and i just wasn't in the mood for my life. then the shower was cold and the scales are like "guess what? yup: GAIN!" evil fucker.

So i didn't feel too great. But i got through the last classes of the semester. only three exams to go. I actually do feel so fucking relieved that i made it though. Like just knowing class is over for a while im so fucking at peace inside its stupid.

Had so many gross calories today. Cereal, salami & mozz & sdt roll (just...ew, there are no words) then at work it was...green beans and carrots with lovely baby potatoes and some breaded pork. I eat it all because im a pig. Feel super disgusting. my skin is like a plague victim. yum.

Lunch at noodle bar with my mum tomorrow i think. at least im walking around the shops all day. won't eat anything but lunch. so so so unhappy. I'm clearly going to gain again tomorrow. hate my numbers obsession. im not that dumb, i know that type of gain isn't me putting on proper fat but i feel awful anyways.

i always forget boys are meant to eat more than us. (wonder who to blame for that) seems unfair. 500 is like half my daily intake. they get 500 MORE than us a day? how is that fair? whatever i've eaten like 1500 at least today. god im so disgusting. want all this crap out my system now. i hate days that make me want to throw up.

xoxo

such a crappy day for everyone, least it's nearly over now though.
cereal, banana, falaffal wrap and SHIT LOADS of japanese food. Like seriously i'm probably 2500 or something. It's pretty disgusting. I hate eating in public i shouldn't ever let myself go out to eat. No i hate MYSELF eating out in public. Everyone else is so fucking normal and just controlled and eat normal shit. Why can't i just not ever embarass myself by binging?
AND i keep biting my nails. they haven't had time to grow for like 5, maybe 6 months now. probably since June.

So no today hasn't been a good day. Have so much essay to do and generally feel like a fat piece of shit. I don't care though. I think i'm going to go get some presents for people tomorrow with my mum and gran, then i can avoid going out tomoz night because i hate being such a whiny annoying cow. Then work saturday (need to get more vit c from chemist on way home) then sunday i can FORCE myself to finish writing my motherfucking essay. Monday can be a panicked finishing session then tuesday work, wed hand in essay, thurs last day of lectures and from then on it's just revision and work.

hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors

don't know why i should care about any of this shit at all ever. it's me who actually cares.

such a waste of space. all i do it fail and moan and waste money,

one thing that makes me happy right now? i have no food in the house. cereal and frozen veg. made of awesome. couldn't stuff my fat face even if i wanted to.

wish i could crawl out of my body tonight and go be someone else. hope tomorrow is better. need new personality/looks/intelligence/motivation/ambition. (maybe they should be going on my christmas list?)

xoxo

why am i even on lj?! Seriously i still have to do 2 & 7 day checks, write all the room cards for tomorrow, print up newspaper/wake up call lists, answer whats probably a MILLION emails (im scared to look) order a taxi, sort out some function for tomorrow, float check and photocopy some music for Eliza.

oh yeah...and WRITE my ESSAY.

!!! 

omfg!

And the phone won't stop ringing and banking ran late today and theres still people to check in. and like EVERYONE keeps warning me to lock the automatic doors but then im gonna hafta keep letting people in and the soroptomists are here tonight and shiz. like wtf?!

Eat so much today. Wussed out of weighing myself, had cereal, pesto, SDT & ham sandwich for lunch then tea was chips and chicken thing. so 1500? I really don't know. I'm not going to worry about it. Tomorrow maybe i'll skip breakfast and have fruit for lunch? not entirely sure. Maybe just cereal. But i think some of us are still going to Tang's and i'm looking forward to going out but kina nervous, i feel like nothing good can come of a social meal. Feel kina bloated but it's all the soda (whoops) and my "period" this month. Like wtf it's barely even spotting it's such a joke. Meh I'm not gonna worry about it unless it stops completely.

hoshit was meant to be finished most work work like 5 mins ago so i could do essay. Omg i'm going to fail so hard. Wanna work really really fast so i can go christmas shopping on friday and mostly i just want to RELAX! 

i feel pretty sick. i hate abusing my body like this, not its fault im screwed up in the head. Serioiusly like 2500 at least. about 800 was various bowls of cereal throughout the day then some soup to balance out my salt levels and stuff...also i stole a huge apple. so like 1500 was all of that. which was a ridiculous amount but not too much fat or anything.

I binged again though. i don't know why i do shit like this to myself. i feel like death now. just spoonfulls of chocolate and fudge. I hate shit like that why do i stuff myself with it even though i hate it??!?! like i seriously actually hate it but for like that exact moment i just get this huge fucking compulsion to force it all down. thinking about it right now makes me want to go be sick but i don't do that. i refuse to be weak like that. If i cant control my fucking binging then i deserve to get the calories.

I'm going to look more disgusting than usual thanks to all this binging lately.
my stomach is fucked and my skin feels icky. I want to be fucking empty im so mad at myself i could cry. wish i cud take pro plus and feel my heart and not care. I'm going to be super awesome to myself and just have water until ....hmmm....letssee....2 oclock tomorrow. 2pm. Then i can have some tuna or something. maybe see if theres any quorn or anything i can put with it from the freezer. then after six no eating. So yeah im going to get my fucking control back and stop feeling like i want to die. thisissostupid!!!

So fail again today. Tomorrow will be awesome. 2pm....then i'll give myself what i need for the day. thats it.
i NEED to finish this fucking essay, i'm so sick of writing it!

xoxo

like 3000 at least. most probably more. i always fucking forget how bad a binge feels. fucking cake baking all day tomorrow and whilst i should be excited right now i just feel so fucking disgusting and it's going to be horrible getting over this binge, especially being surrounded by cake for two days. Then i have work twice this week. if i go home then im so fucking fucked. no seriously like i hate my life so much when i binge. MY stomach fucking hurts all i've done is stuff myself with junk. saturdays are not good days.

Tomorrow im going to take my vitamins, crosstrain, shower, have cereal. then i think i should be on like....500 or something? My metab is going to be so out of whack now. jesus im not a child i shouldn't be fucking binging like this it's bullshit! Ok im going to be ridiculous and have a bowl of cereal then convince myself that it would be monumentally stupid to try and throw up. its too late to do any good anyways. its YEARS too late.

Ellas cheekbones are so nice. i have to be so much fucking better. i need to be bones. stupid fucking addiction to losing weight. seriously wtf? why cant i be addicted to heroin like every other scottish person?!?!

Tomorrow i will make amazing cake and eat as little as i can physically manage. im super fucking excited. im finding it difficult to even fucking binge tonight. i've had loads of calories and even a bit of chocolate spread but most of it was pretty fucking tame stuff. i can't fucking bring myself to eat fucking chocolate or cake or ice cream any more. seriously it's fucking ridiculous. christmas is going to fucking kill me. i feel sorry for girls going through thanksgiving right now.

the scales are going to be like 128 tomorrow im going to throw myself off the roof when i see that stupid fucking number. alas its fucking motivation ok?

right end of my binge (eh more cereal) then im going to plan food. god i fucking HATE how i feel after a binge. its like i cant stand to be in my own fucking fat body. ew ew ew ew ew ew

tomorrow i will be the epitome of fucking control.

this cold can go fuck itself i refuse to eat like this for another day.

xoxo

I love working in reception. I'm downloading msn live onto the new computer while listening to some old ladies chat while they wait for their friends to come for lunch. I'm still working on sorting out the order of Japanese universities that I need to have done soon.

Lunch was beef and yorkshire pudding with boiled potatoes and cabbage. I feel a bit better, i eat like everything because obviously i'm a fat whore but oh well. At least if i feed this cold i might get better instead of getting the flu or pneumonia or some stupid shit.

Andrew went upstairs so i have the heater on full blast under my desk. Sorry global warming but i'm fucking FREEZING.

Man from the flat just left, he's nice. My fingers are like ICE typing this seriously! I love how it looks like im working hard but i'm really just moaning to LJ.

I feel better today, my head isn't all fucked up and the paranoia/depression isn't as bad at all. Being sick makes me weak to stupid shit like that.

so food thus far:
cearal x2
chocolate (2 tsp?)
toast with butter & marmalade x2
tea with milk x2
beef & yorkshire pudding in gravy
boiled potatoes
cabbage


haha this posh lady that thinks everyones a slut just walked past telling her friend about "two young girls sitting on a pavement outside exposing themselves". Her friend found it hilarious. They are both ancient. I love old people somtimes.

ok actually i have binged so fucking much today. This better fucking help me get better. I don't want to be fat AND diseased, that just wouldn't be fair. Dammit i really wanted to spend the weekend getting under 120. I guess it's better that i don't do it with restriction alone though. Probably the scales will die laughing at me tomorrow. Bet anything it's going to be like "125 you fat bitch"

sigh, i can't be bothered with this shit. And tomorrow is a day of fucking cake baking. Fantastic.

( cut for uberbitch rant )

I'm sorry that was so fucking bitchy. But hey thats what my blog is for. I'm just being a cunt because binge days piss me off so much.

guy from the flat came back with like a million cans of beer. He's watching the cricket tonight apparently.

I bet i'm pushing 200 already today. It's so disgusting i don't even want to think about it. I'm going to stop monologuing and go research uni's.

xoxo

so being sick sucks ass. I eat a shit lot on thursday and was down to 120.6 on friday, yesterday i eat maybe...800 complete max yet i'm bloated and 121.6 now and i hurt and it sucks. So i'm at work freezing my ass off and so fucking jittery and nausious i can barely type and i do NOT want to try and stand up that just makes me wanna puke.

I want to get a hot water bottle and sit in a warm bathroom with my back against a radiator and just puke until theres nothing left.

Sadly i'm at work for the next 3 hours 45 minutes. Sigh.

It's lunch time now, i've already had two bowls of corn flakes (i was too weak to walk to work) some random chocolate spread (because im a pig) and then 2 bits of toast with butter and marmalade. Oh an don't forget tea. Fucking fantastic. Like i actually eat butter.

Seriously i keep sneezing and coughing and just generally being diseased.

Just kill me now i hate this so much.

God knows what andrews going to bring for lunch. he hates me having the heater on my my hands are turning to ice. My legs were so cold yesterday that i had the hairdryer on them till it died out and i still couldn't feel a fucking thing. I don't care how poor i am, i'm going to boots after my shift for some more vitamins. At least i'll feel like i'm doing something that way.

xoxo

eat so fucking much today. also managed to c/s when i got home but i didn't even have the energy to deal with yet another fucked up binge so i stopped. had since i got up at 7:
cereal, chilli con carne roll, thorntons chocolate, huge chicken stir fry, slice of cake, apple, c/s biscuit.

some days i wish i could throw up so bad. I'm so fucking stressed, my digestion is fucked to hell right now. My chest is so fucking sore i almost wish i could have something awful like pneumonia just to give me a fucking viable excuse to hide from uni and the rest of my fucking life for a little while.

I'm so goddamn tired. Taking lots of supplements. They probably do fuck all but i'm trying to be sensible as possible, even if it means half a drug cabinate ingested by the end of the night. I want to starve so fucking badly but it's so fucking hard to get out of eating at work. The cake thing has GOT to fucking stop. I'm so dissapointed in myself tonight, i felt so faint and weak this morning too and....jeez it's just not fair. No i'm so fucking close to being under 120 again i fucking well refuse to sabotage myself ok? I will work harder and i will be better. 

I'm so fucking worried about Sandie. I love her she's one of the best things in my life. I'm so worried and theres fuck all i can do to help.

life is fucking hard sometimes. Bring on November....i just want it to be over already...

xoxo

omg so much fucking stress! seriously my laptop AND my phone in three days! i want to fucking scream! mum is being fucked up and i can't even get to talk to my brother. how is this fair??

I have eaten so much today i actually don't know how to deal with my life. I just want to sleep through uni tomorrow.
Cereal, rice, egg roll, hot dogs, brocolli, sweet and sour sauce, tofu smeared in groundnut oil, soy sauce, tempura, irish stew.

jesus i actually seriously can't deal with this fucking shit. like how is this my fucking life?! God i can't even get out of dinner here and it's not like i can just throw up. Seriously i fucking refuse to eat just because it's the right thing to do. Tomorrow i'll be fine. Cereal, two easy classes, diet coke for lunch, might get my mum a present, then dinner at work then home. I hate how i don't have the fucking energy for the crosstrainer after work. I might push myself to go on anyways even if it's just for like 15 minutes.

So my only source of internet right now is at work which fucking sucks. God i need my fucking net back i have like a thousand million essays due. God i can't believe this fucking happened to me wtf!? I can't be fucking done with my mum guilt tripping me into more fucking depression seriously i just want to feel ok for once!

If it wasn't for work i'd be starving so well this week. I'm disgusted with myself for that fucking bento today. I don't give a shit if i'm the freak i fucking hate this eating bullshit.

((it's nice to see myself rational and positive about eating. hah.))


So as it stand i have no phone and no computer. I'm working 28.5 hours this week and i have 1 week to research and write my EAC essay, which i always bomb. Mum is all depressed and fucked up and i'm pretty much out of contact with my brother. Pretty much everyone in my flat has foresaken work for studying. I'm so going to fucking well fail. I'll be a really fucking poor failure.

As ever i'm a fat cow.

Somedays i wish i could just cut or purge or do something to get my fucking frustration out at. As it is i'm going to have a fag on the way home and start taking some vitamins. Good news however, my period is over for another month.

God end of october already. Heres to hoping this streak of bad luck is over already...