i hate binge days more than anything. guess what today is already?

Im gonna be over 2000 already. fuck i hate feeling so fat and gross. I just don't have the energy to fight myself. Hate not having any control over what we get served at work. seriously could it get much worse for me than deep fried fucking breaded cheese?!?

would rather have had nothing and be sitting at home with the two bottles of diet coke in the fridge. Well i can always have them tomorrow. Tomoz is the last day till tuesday i'll have any fucking control as well. Gonna look like shit to see the girls back home this weekend. No change from usual then. tue and wed are the run up to xmas then thurs/fri are going to be horrific of course.

Jesus im going to put on so much fucking weight in the next week i want to die just thinking about it.



I'm such a liar. I don't want to be thin at all. I'm binging as i fucking type this.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate. I'm so disusting m gonna feel like this for another 9 days at least. fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I will NOT let this defeat me. Swear to god, lower than 118  for semester 2.

xoxo

ow my tummy hurts. biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge.

its impossible to convey how much i hate binging. 3000 cal at 1 on the morning. dont want to purge though. im staying positive. this is going to boost me into motivated!chloe to stay strong this week and lose right past 120 for proper.
i dont want icky bad fatty sugary processed junk food to get into me. Tomorrow i know i'll have cereal but i really want to see how little i can get off with.

maybe i'll get some apples. im completely lacking sugar in my diet right now.

sitting around revising tomorrow. i'll be awesome and strong.
going out for post-exam lunch on tuesday then dinner at work. see how little i can manage at lunch.
work for the next 2 days.
uchiage party friday
work early saturday
revision sun and mon
exams tue and wed
work wed, thurs

then everyones going home and its almost christmas im so excited and scared wtf!!!!!!!!!!!

need to do christmas cards to hand out at the uchiage party!

xoxo

such a crappy day for everyone, least it's nearly over now though.
cereal, banana, falaffal wrap and SHIT LOADS of japanese food. Like seriously i'm probably 2500 or something. It's pretty disgusting. I hate eating in public i shouldn't ever let myself go out to eat. No i hate MYSELF eating out in public. Everyone else is so fucking normal and just controlled and eat normal shit. Why can't i just not ever embarass myself by binging?
AND i keep biting my nails. they haven't had time to grow for like 5, maybe 6 months now. probably since June.

So no today hasn't been a good day. Have so much essay to do and generally feel like a fat piece of shit. I don't care though. I think i'm going to go get some presents for people tomorrow with my mum and gran, then i can avoid going out tomoz night because i hate being such a whiny annoying cow. Then work saturday (need to get more vit c from chemist on way home) then sunday i can FORCE myself to finish writing my motherfucking essay. Monday can be a panicked finishing session then tuesday work, wed hand in essay, thurs last day of lectures and from then on it's just revision and work.

hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors

don't know why i should care about any of this shit at all ever. it's me who actually cares.

such a waste of space. all i do it fail and moan and waste money,

one thing that makes me happy right now? i have no food in the house. cereal and frozen veg. made of awesome. couldn't stuff my fat face even if i wanted to.

wish i could crawl out of my body tonight and go be someone else. hope tomorrow is better. need new personality/looks/intelligence/motivation/ambition. (maybe they should be going on my christmas list?)

xoxo

1700 WITHOUT counting dinner (i dont even want to look it up im ready to die as it is)

i feel like i can't even trust myself to fucking let myself out the house why can i just NOT FUCKING BEHAVE?!?!

chloe seriously if you don't stop your going to have to find some serious way of fucking punishing yourself.

theres no fucking WAY i can let this go on. jesus fucking christ i can't believe this is how i fucking well act! im so fucking angry/dissapointed/ashamed/furious/disgusted with my entire existance

seriously if i eat again before dinner tomorrow i'm going to find a way to hurt myself somehow. i cant let myself off with this.

how can i go out tomorrow now? god stupid fat whore. i cant actually still stuff myself into skinny jeans and go spend a whole night drinking and most probably binging. like wtf? theres no way im going out now.

stupid fucking BITCH

i feel pretty sick. i hate abusing my body like this, not its fault im screwed up in the head. Serioiusly like 2500 at least. about 800 was various bowls of cereal throughout the day then some soup to balance out my salt levels and stuff...also i stole a huge apple. so like 1500 was all of that. which was a ridiculous amount but not too much fat or anything.

I binged again though. i don't know why i do shit like this to myself. i feel like death now. just spoonfulls of chocolate and fudge. I hate shit like that why do i stuff myself with it even though i hate it??!?! like i seriously actually hate it but for like that exact moment i just get this huge fucking compulsion to force it all down. thinking about it right now makes me want to go be sick but i don't do that. i refuse to be weak like that. If i cant control my fucking binging then i deserve to get the calories.

I'm going to look more disgusting than usual thanks to all this binging lately.
my stomach is fucked and my skin feels icky. I want to be fucking empty im so mad at myself i could cry. wish i cud take pro plus and feel my heart and not care. I'm going to be super awesome to myself and just have water until ....hmmm....letssee....2 oclock tomorrow. 2pm. Then i can have some tuna or something. maybe see if theres any quorn or anything i can put with it from the freezer. then after six no eating. So yeah im going to get my fucking control back and stop feeling like i want to die. thisissostupid!!!

So fail again today. Tomorrow will be awesome. 2pm....then i'll give myself what i need for the day. thats it.
i NEED to finish this fucking essay, i'm so sick of writing it!

xoxo

SOOOO happy! I didn't do perfect today, which was annoying, but i tried. Better than the past couple of days anyways.
Breakfast: cereal & hot chocolate
lunch:        apple & banana
dinner       mixed veg (peas, carrots, sweetcorn & red pepper)

But cakewise i had a mini pancake with a squeeze of toffee sauce and a slice of carrot cake with insane icing and like a broken off bite of lemon cake. oh yea and i stole a pretzle. And tasted some apple & ginger smoothie at black medicine. And as i type this im drinking hot chocolate because im freezing. Probably 800-1000 for all that, am i being too conservative? Yea probably. Definately.

500 for the proper food. If i hadn't given in to all the junk it would have been a good day. tomorrow though there is no fucking cake so it will be an awesome day.

Adam was like "why don't you just get vitamins from fruit juice?" (because im pathetic at swallowing tablets lately) but i was kina pissed off. Because i feel better doing it this way. At least im controlling the specific amount i get and when it comes to stuff like the supporting vitamins so my body can absorb the stuff in the first place it's just less complicated. Also i'm too poor to buy loads of fruit juice all the time and i really don't want to waste any more calories in stuff thats half the time from concentrate and full of sugars.

But of course I'm the one who eats like shit in the flat so it doesn't matter that i might think i'm doing something for an actual reason or anything. My basic plan is to have cereal in the morning (skipping breakfast isnt good for control or metabolism) then fruit for lunch (little bit of a sugar pickmeup) then vegetables for dinner (i'll be craving savoury by then) and i should go on the crosstrainer for at least 30 mins a day. That sounds good to me. Obviously i'll be judged for this "stupid ana bullshit" but what the fuck ever i just want to try and be in control for once.

I need more fruit & veggies i'm SO LOW! Will get some tomorrow. It'll be a good day.

xoxo

like 3000 at least. most probably more. i always fucking forget how bad a binge feels. fucking cake baking all day tomorrow and whilst i should be excited right now i just feel so fucking disgusting and it's going to be horrible getting over this binge, especially being surrounded by cake for two days. Then i have work twice this week. if i go home then im so fucking fucked. no seriously like i hate my life so much when i binge. MY stomach fucking hurts all i've done is stuff myself with junk. saturdays are not good days.

Tomorrow im going to take my vitamins, crosstrain, shower, have cereal. then i think i should be on like....500 or something? My metab is going to be so out of whack now. jesus im not a child i shouldn't be fucking binging like this it's bullshit! Ok im going to be ridiculous and have a bowl of cereal then convince myself that it would be monumentally stupid to try and throw up. its too late to do any good anyways. its YEARS too late.

Ellas cheekbones are so nice. i have to be so much fucking better. i need to be bones. stupid fucking addiction to losing weight. seriously wtf? why cant i be addicted to heroin like every other scottish person?!?!

Tomorrow i will make amazing cake and eat as little as i can physically manage. im super fucking excited. im finding it difficult to even fucking binge tonight. i've had loads of calories and even a bit of chocolate spread but most of it was pretty fucking tame stuff. i can't fucking bring myself to eat fucking chocolate or cake or ice cream any more. seriously it's fucking ridiculous. christmas is going to fucking kill me. i feel sorry for girls going through thanksgiving right now.

the scales are going to be like 128 tomorrow im going to throw myself off the roof when i see that stupid fucking number. alas its fucking motivation ok?

right end of my binge (eh more cereal) then im going to plan food. god i fucking HATE how i feel after a binge. its like i cant stand to be in my own fucking fat body. ew ew ew ew ew ew

tomorrow i will be the epitome of fucking control.

this cold can go fuck itself i refuse to eat like this for another day.

xoxo

eat so fucking much today. also managed to c/s when i got home but i didn't even have the energy to deal with yet another fucked up binge so i stopped. had since i got up at 7:
cereal, chilli con carne roll, thorntons chocolate, huge chicken stir fry, slice of cake, apple, c/s biscuit.

some days i wish i could throw up so bad. I'm so fucking stressed, my digestion is fucked to hell right now. My chest is so fucking sore i almost wish i could have something awful like pneumonia just to give me a fucking viable excuse to hide from uni and the rest of my fucking life for a little while.

I'm so goddamn tired. Taking lots of supplements. They probably do fuck all but i'm trying to be sensible as possible, even if it means half a drug cabinate ingested by the end of the night. I want to starve so fucking badly but it's so fucking hard to get out of eating at work. The cake thing has GOT to fucking stop. I'm so dissapointed in myself tonight, i felt so faint and weak this morning too and....jeez it's just not fair. No i'm so fucking close to being under 120 again i fucking well refuse to sabotage myself ok? I will work harder and i will be better. 

I'm so fucking worried about Sandie. I love her she's one of the best things in my life. I'm so worried and theres fuck all i can do to help.

life is fucking hard sometimes. Bring on November....i just want it to be over already...

xoxo