SOOOO happy! I didn't do perfect today, which was annoying, but i tried. Better than the past couple of days anyways.
Breakfast: cereal & hot chocolate
lunch:        apple & banana
dinner       mixed veg (peas, carrots, sweetcorn & red pepper)

But cakewise i had a mini pancake with a squeeze of toffee sauce and a slice of carrot cake with insane icing and like a broken off bite of lemon cake. oh yea and i stole a pretzle. And tasted some apple & ginger smoothie at black medicine. And as i type this im drinking hot chocolate because im freezing. Probably 800-1000 for all that, am i being too conservative? Yea probably. Definately.

500 for the proper food. If i hadn't given in to all the junk it would have been a good day. tomorrow though there is no fucking cake so it will be an awesome day.

Adam was like "why don't you just get vitamins from fruit juice?" (because im pathetic at swallowing tablets lately) but i was kina pissed off. Because i feel better doing it this way. At least im controlling the specific amount i get and when it comes to stuff like the supporting vitamins so my body can absorb the stuff in the first place it's just less complicated. Also i'm too poor to buy loads of fruit juice all the time and i really don't want to waste any more calories in stuff thats half the time from concentrate and full of sugars.

But of course I'm the one who eats like shit in the flat so it doesn't matter that i might think i'm doing something for an actual reason or anything. My basic plan is to have cereal in the morning (skipping breakfast isnt good for control or metabolism) then fruit for lunch (little bit of a sugar pickmeup) then vegetables for dinner (i'll be craving savoury by then) and i should go on the crosstrainer for at least 30 mins a day. That sounds good to me. Obviously i'll be judged for this "stupid ana bullshit" but what the fuck ever i just want to try and be in control for once.

I need more fruit & veggies i'm SO LOW! Will get some tomorrow. It'll be a good day.

xoxo

hah i always feel like a tool when i quote lyrics in titles. meh

scared this year is going too fast. Its fucking fantastic while it lasts though. I'm super tired inside my head, physically im good tho and the nasty thoughts are sort of lifting again. At least they're nowhere near as bad as the last few weeks. Which is awesome. I hate when i get like that it's like i feel all trapped and everything sucks and theres nowhere or anything thats ever any better than my own little shitty fucking life. Also its like theres no future. i know that sounds weird but that one of the biggest reasons i can tell i have it. I physically can't look even like a day or a week into the future. i cant imagine what next week will be like. i guess its because i dont want to imagine suffering through the same shit till then.

Still feel split in a million directions right now. Work is dragging on and on, uni is about to start and i've forgotten everything, family is....well im kind of sick of them. not my brother but i feel like i cant really help him that much. sucks.
i feel like by the end of the day it takes so much mental effort to not eat my own body weight in junk that im too tired to make an effort with my friends. i totally need to work on that. like right now.

i can't even be arsed saying how thats going. pretty shit i guess it's obvious. my metabolism is keeping up with me so far but only because i've been stuffing my face non stop. im frustrating myself. I'm trying not to focus on it too hard though because i NEED this depression to properly lift, it's affecting me too much. Baisically my weight is ridiculously high, i've been building back all the muscle i lost in my legs over summer though so on balance i guess i am making progress. it's just that i can't watch the numbers. i have to rely on the mirror. (hah funny right?) so im just trying to keep the faith. Hopefully i'll get a routine set up in uni where i can lose properly.

it's a bit annoying. people keep judging me for not eating and i'm like shouting in my head "you have no fucking idea how much i eat!!!" seriously 127 this morning. *sigh*

heh i rambled alot tonight. just felt the need to clear my head out a bit though. i like this journal for that, everything can be twisted here and its ok, it's what it's for.

xoxo