why am i even on lj?! Seriously i still have to do 2 & 7 day checks, write all the room cards for tomorrow, print up newspaper/wake up call lists, answer whats probably a MILLION emails (im scared to look) order a taxi, sort out some function for tomorrow, float check and photocopy some music for Eliza.

oh yeah...and WRITE my ESSAY.

!!! 

omfg!

And the phone won't stop ringing and banking ran late today and theres still people to check in. and like EVERYONE keeps warning me to lock the automatic doors but then im gonna hafta keep letting people in and the soroptomists are here tonight and shiz. like wtf?!

Eat so much today. Wussed out of weighing myself, had cereal, pesto, SDT & ham sandwich for lunch then tea was chips and chicken thing. so 1500? I really don't know. I'm not going to worry about it. Tomorrow maybe i'll skip breakfast and have fruit for lunch? not entirely sure. Maybe just cereal. But i think some of us are still going to Tang's and i'm looking forward to going out but kina nervous, i feel like nothing good can come of a social meal. Feel kina bloated but it's all the soda (whoops) and my "period" this month. Like wtf it's barely even spotting it's such a joke. Meh I'm not gonna worry about it unless it stops completely.

hoshit was meant to be finished most work work like 5 mins ago so i could do essay. Omg i'm going to fail so hard. Wanna work really really fast so i can go christmas shopping on friday and mostly i just want to RELAX! 

hah i always feel like a tool when i quote lyrics in titles. meh

scared this year is going too fast. Its fucking fantastic while it lasts though. I'm super tired inside my head, physically im good tho and the nasty thoughts are sort of lifting again. At least they're nowhere near as bad as the last few weeks. Which is awesome. I hate when i get like that it's like i feel all trapped and everything sucks and theres nowhere or anything thats ever any better than my own little shitty fucking life. Also its like theres no future. i know that sounds weird but that one of the biggest reasons i can tell i have it. I physically can't look even like a day or a week into the future. i cant imagine what next week will be like. i guess its because i dont want to imagine suffering through the same shit till then.

Still feel split in a million directions right now. Work is dragging on and on, uni is about to start and i've forgotten everything, family is....well im kind of sick of them. not my brother but i feel like i cant really help him that much. sucks.
i feel like by the end of the day it takes so much mental effort to not eat my own body weight in junk that im too tired to make an effort with my friends. i totally need to work on that. like right now.

i can't even be arsed saying how thats going. pretty shit i guess it's obvious. my metabolism is keeping up with me so far but only because i've been stuffing my face non stop. im frustrating myself. I'm trying not to focus on it too hard though because i NEED this depression to properly lift, it's affecting me too much. Baisically my weight is ridiculously high, i've been building back all the muscle i lost in my legs over summer though so on balance i guess i am making progress. it's just that i can't watch the numbers. i have to rely on the mirror. (hah funny right?) so im just trying to keep the faith. Hopefully i'll get a routine set up in uni where i can lose properly.

it's a bit annoying. people keep judging me for not eating and i'm like shouting in my head "you have no fucking idea how much i eat!!!" seriously 127 this morning. *sigh*

heh i rambled alot tonight. just felt the need to clear my head out a bit though. i like this journal for that, everything can be twisted here and its ok, it's what it's for.

xoxo