I'm at work being lazy as usual. I already have a mountain of homework piled up but all i've managed to do today is eat loads of junk. Cereal this morning, and soup while i was stressing about my stupid essay. (460?) Then i had an awesome lunch (2 bottle of diet coke, i was so happy and bouncy) then gave everyone chocolate at work (i had one...like 36) but then Lena stayed late and got cake for us from the kitchen. (urgh like 400 no joke)
Dinner was pork chop and chips. I don't even WANT to know. seriously im dying a little inside. I want to go out tomorrow but i feel so fat and disgusting. I've missed the scales for the past couple of days now i'm too scared to go on them because i know it'll be awful. It never improves. I don't know why i tell myself i'll lose weight when i never do. It's so stupid. I spend so much time stressing and i never actually get any thinner.

I always fee really embarrassed of that. Clearly everyone thinks i try to starve myself but it's obvious that all i actually do is stuff my face constantly. Also im such a fat cow but i still try and were skinny jeans all the time. Seriously i cringe for myself.

Tomorrow i'm going to have dinner at work then go out and get really drunk. Will take only essentials with me then leave a bag at work, i can get it when i'm in on friday.Yey for going out. Boo for y'know...being a fat whore. Oh well.

SOOOO happy! I didn't do perfect today, which was annoying, but i tried. Better than the past couple of days anyways.
Breakfast: cereal & hot chocolate
lunch:        apple & banana
dinner       mixed veg (peas, carrots, sweetcorn & red pepper)

But cakewise i had a mini pancake with a squeeze of toffee sauce and a slice of carrot cake with insane icing and like a broken off bite of lemon cake. oh yea and i stole a pretzle. And tasted some apple & ginger smoothie at black medicine. And as i type this im drinking hot chocolate because im freezing. Probably 800-1000 for all that, am i being too conservative? Yea probably. Definately.

500 for the proper food. If i hadn't given in to all the junk it would have been a good day. tomorrow though there is no fucking cake so it will be an awesome day.

Adam was like "why don't you just get vitamins from fruit juice?" (because im pathetic at swallowing tablets lately) but i was kina pissed off. Because i feel better doing it this way. At least im controlling the specific amount i get and when it comes to stuff like the supporting vitamins so my body can absorb the stuff in the first place it's just less complicated. Also i'm too poor to buy loads of fruit juice all the time and i really don't want to waste any more calories in stuff thats half the time from concentrate and full of sugars.

But of course I'm the one who eats like shit in the flat so it doesn't matter that i might think i'm doing something for an actual reason or anything. My basic plan is to have cereal in the morning (skipping breakfast isnt good for control or metabolism) then fruit for lunch (little bit of a sugar pickmeup) then vegetables for dinner (i'll be craving savoury by then) and i should go on the crosstrainer for at least 30 mins a day. That sounds good to me. Obviously i'll be judged for this "stupid ana bullshit" but what the fuck ever i just want to try and be in control for once.

I need more fruit & veggies i'm SO LOW! Will get some tomorrow. It'll be a good day.

xoxo

like 3000 at least. most probably more. i always fucking forget how bad a binge feels. fucking cake baking all day tomorrow and whilst i should be excited right now i just feel so fucking disgusting and it's going to be horrible getting over this binge, especially being surrounded by cake for two days. Then i have work twice this week. if i go home then im so fucking fucked. no seriously like i hate my life so much when i binge. MY stomach fucking hurts all i've done is stuff myself with junk. saturdays are not good days.

Tomorrow im going to take my vitamins, crosstrain, shower, have cereal. then i think i should be on like....500 or something? My metab is going to be so out of whack now. jesus im not a child i shouldn't be fucking binging like this it's bullshit! Ok im going to be ridiculous and have a bowl of cereal then convince myself that it would be monumentally stupid to try and throw up. its too late to do any good anyways. its YEARS too late.

Ellas cheekbones are so nice. i have to be so much fucking better. i need to be bones. stupid fucking addiction to losing weight. seriously wtf? why cant i be addicted to heroin like every other scottish person?!?!

Tomorrow i will make amazing cake and eat as little as i can physically manage. im super fucking excited. im finding it difficult to even fucking binge tonight. i've had loads of calories and even a bit of chocolate spread but most of it was pretty fucking tame stuff. i can't fucking bring myself to eat fucking chocolate or cake or ice cream any more. seriously it's fucking ridiculous. christmas is going to fucking kill me. i feel sorry for girls going through thanksgiving right now.

the scales are going to be like 128 tomorrow im going to throw myself off the roof when i see that stupid fucking number. alas its fucking motivation ok?

right end of my binge (eh more cereal) then im going to plan food. god i fucking HATE how i feel after a binge. its like i cant stand to be in my own fucking fat body. ew ew ew ew ew ew

tomorrow i will be the epitome of fucking control.

this cold can go fuck itself i refuse to eat like this for another day.

xoxo

eat so fucking much today. also managed to c/s when i got home but i didn't even have the energy to deal with yet another fucked up binge so i stopped. had since i got up at 7:
cereal, chilli con carne roll, thorntons chocolate, huge chicken stir fry, slice of cake, apple, c/s biscuit.

some days i wish i could throw up so bad. I'm so fucking stressed, my digestion is fucked to hell right now. My chest is so fucking sore i almost wish i could have something awful like pneumonia just to give me a fucking viable excuse to hide from uni and the rest of my fucking life for a little while.

I'm so goddamn tired. Taking lots of supplements. They probably do fuck all but i'm trying to be sensible as possible, even if it means half a drug cabinate ingested by the end of the night. I want to starve so fucking badly but it's so fucking hard to get out of eating at work. The cake thing has GOT to fucking stop. I'm so dissapointed in myself tonight, i felt so faint and weak this morning too and....jeez it's just not fair. No i'm so fucking close to being under 120 again i fucking well refuse to sabotage myself ok? I will work harder and i will be better. 

I'm so fucking worried about Sandie. I love her she's one of the best things in my life. I'm so worried and theres fuck all i can do to help.

life is fucking hard sometimes. Bring on November....i just want it to be over already...

xoxo