idek. Dunno what im on today. Been really lazy and haven't done anything except sit around at work and eat chocolate. I'd love a week without any junk around. I'd love to have this fat leave me. Feel crappy but Eliza's gone home today. House will be a little quieter tomorrow. Don't know exactly when Ella is leaving. Going to finish getting presents etc tomorrow i think.

God wish i could be fucking well starving. Maybe if i don't have anything else i'll be a little hungry tomorrow?

1500 or something. i actually just don't know. Can feel my fat rolls on my tummy. its repulsive. Boo hiss boo have skinny jeans and tight fob shirt to wear home. Gonna look like a fat cow in them. same as fucking ever.

Seriously if i didn't comfort eat i would be so much happier. the "comfort" part of it is just complete bullshit.

Also we're now going to linz's not pizza hut. Which is shit i was so fucking prepared to eat out now its gonna be fucking junk food and alcohol calories. fuck my life.

xoxo

i hate binge days more than anything. guess what today is already?

Im gonna be over 2000 already. fuck i hate feeling so fat and gross. I just don't have the energy to fight myself. Hate not having any control over what we get served at work. seriously could it get much worse for me than deep fried fucking breaded cheese?!?

would rather have had nothing and be sitting at home with the two bottles of diet coke in the fridge. Well i can always have them tomorrow. Tomoz is the last day till tuesday i'll have any fucking control as well. Gonna look like shit to see the girls back home this weekend. No change from usual then. tue and wed are the run up to xmas then thurs/fri are going to be horrific of course.

Jesus im going to put on so much fucking weight in the next week i want to die just thinking about it.



I'm such a liar. I don't want to be thin at all. I'm binging as i fucking type this.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate. I'm so disusting m gonna feel like this for another 9 days at least. fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I will NOT let this defeat me. Swear to god, lower than 118  for semester 2.

xoxo

So i had an apple when i got home last night. it was so fucking good. I was literally wrecked but i sat in sandies room for an hour and annoyed the fuck out of her caught up with her.
Was the really nice kind of weak today. Barely felt sick at all. Got dressed and came down to princes street (had an apple on the way) then got a few presents and had a soy chai latte (last time i'll do that for a while)
Dinner at work was roast leg of lamb in marsala jus (type of red wine?) and potatoes. 1500?

Theres a huge box of chocolates for reception sitting in the office. i've been good so far. My last apple is in the bottom of my bag, im not hungry though i don't actually want it.

uchiage tomorrow, probably going to be up and out early to collect all the sushi from the restraunt. I'll try and be good tomorrow. Today hasn't been all that great tbh, it'll probably be easy enough to improve on it.

fuck. still haven't fucking well studied. I'm going to try and do an hour now.

friends from home want to go to pizza hut next week. im gonna try and make sure i have calories in my phone. its so shit because im at home for that weekend. Seriously just thinknig about how much i'll probably eat is making me want to cry. fucks sake.

on the plus side: apart from sweets & wrapping paper, i've got everyones presents!!! yeyness!!!

xoxo

i feel pretty sick. i hate abusing my body like this, not its fault im screwed up in the head. Serioiusly like 2500 at least. about 800 was various bowls of cereal throughout the day then some soup to balance out my salt levels and stuff...also i stole a huge apple. so like 1500 was all of that. which was a ridiculous amount but not too much fat or anything.

I binged again though. i don't know why i do shit like this to myself. i feel like death now. just spoonfulls of chocolate and fudge. I hate shit like that why do i stuff myself with it even though i hate it??!?! like i seriously actually hate it but for like that exact moment i just get this huge fucking compulsion to force it all down. thinking about it right now makes me want to go be sick but i don't do that. i refuse to be weak like that. If i cant control my fucking binging then i deserve to get the calories.

I'm going to look more disgusting than usual thanks to all this binging lately.
my stomach is fucked and my skin feels icky. I want to be fucking empty im so mad at myself i could cry. wish i cud take pro plus and feel my heart and not care. I'm going to be super awesome to myself and just have water until ....hmmm....letssee....2 oclock tomorrow. 2pm. Then i can have some tuna or something. maybe see if theres any quorn or anything i can put with it from the freezer. then after six no eating. So yeah im going to get my fucking control back and stop feeling like i want to die. thisissostupid!!!

So fail again today. Tomorrow will be awesome. 2pm....then i'll give myself what i need for the day. thats it.
i NEED to finish this fucking essay, i'm so sick of writing it!

xoxo