my head hurts so much! kept waking up last night and i have a really chesting cough thats making my throat all raw.

apart from that i'm just so freaking happy it's nearly christmas! home for two days! presents! dinner! baking mince pies! gonna give my puppies HUGE hugs!

seriously i preffered the spinning to the headache. hurts alot. got a whole shift to deal with. gah it'll be worth it at 10 o'clock! it's 5 to 11 and i still haven't showered or wrapped presents or packed or wrote out christmas cards. boo hiss boo.

ow. don't want to sit at work tonight, just want painkillers. 11 hours!

Gotta go rush now coz i'm seriously actually late i think!!


Merry christmas eve to everyone though! (i would just text people but i have a feeling i'd be wasting my credit)


xoxo

300 from bread/chocolate
chips & grilled pork loin for tea
too many throat lozengers.

had acid cramps this morning.

not hungry now

so many throat lozengers i'm litereally swaying and losing my vision. might just be the heat though. I've eaten far too much for it to be anything to worry about.

This time tomorrow i'm going to be almost finished for christmas!!! Hope i have energy when i get home i have cards to write and presents to wrap! Very excited for christmas! really hope i get to make awesome mince pies! 



Hope everyone else is having a superfantastic christmas. feel so secluded here on my own! 

xoxo

sucks. im so fucking tired. need a drink so bad but im on my own so i cant go get one. got work again for the next two days, then uchiage then more work. should be fucking revising my ass off for J2B and EAC but i seriously can't be bothered. i just want to down like 2 litres of diet coke and go to bed.

Can't find anything comforting to read. boo hiss boo.

fucking starved. been trying to find dessert recipes for christmas day. SO fucking hungry i just wanna gorge on everything. I'm glad im hungry actually its the only thing cheering my up tonight. How fucked up is that i know.

Mum says she's not buying alot of chocolate etc at christmas. I'm happy. Like i know i'll binge like fucking crazy for those two days, but it's two days, i'll recover from it.

I like feeling hungry. It's like, no fuck you, you fat bitch. Lose some weight THEN tell me you feel hungry ok?

I'm determined to get rid of this fat. if im gonna be ugly either way i'd rather it be with bones. less to hate. want to stop biting my nails. maybe once exams are over i wont be as stressed for a week or two. i hope.


xoxo

Hate this fucking depression. feel like i'll never be fucking normal. On the plus side i controlled myself quite well today. Was at 121.4, got up at 6.30, didn't eat anything until about 1.30 when i had a soy chai latte at starbucks as a "cheer up" incentive after that stupid exam this morning. Was nice to just sit there for an hour and chat to my mum. Not have to care about anything.

Not actually walked around much today but at least it's better than sitting around the flat binging! Need to remember to get wrapping paper btw! 

Dinner was turkey and potatos and green beans. So many calories but it's the only thing i'll eat today. So i'm probably ok to guess 1000 right? Hopefully i can properly get below 120 this month. It's killing me to see everyone else lose so much weight so normally and i have to fight with my stupid fat self every second not to fucking binge. Seriously emotional eating will be how i die ok.

Need to not have breakfast or lunch tomorrow. Might come down to the shops early so i can get wrapping paper and fun stuff like that. Could have a liquid lunch if i really wanted.

have this obsession now with storing calorie info in my phone so i don't panic when we're out somewhere. makes everything so much fucking better. like 203 for starbucks today. I can deal with splurging as long as i'm still in control. Uchiage party on friday. i will NOT let everyone see how much of a fatass i am. Just gonna go, force out some happy, control myself.

Good things to focus on:
wrapping everyones presents and giving them out!!!
meeting up with linz (hopefully!)
finishing exams
making christmas dinner and dessert.


xoxo

PS Lena said she might be able to get me some wrist bands for hogmanay, we probably wont use them but it would be cool to offer them to people!!

ow my tummy hurts. biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge.

its impossible to convey how much i hate binging. 3000 cal at 1 on the morning. dont want to purge though. im staying positive. this is going to boost me into motivated!chloe to stay strong this week and lose right past 120 for proper.
i dont want icky bad fatty sugary processed junk food to get into me. Tomorrow i know i'll have cereal but i really want to see how little i can get off with.

maybe i'll get some apples. im completely lacking sugar in my diet right now.

sitting around revising tomorrow. i'll be awesome and strong.
going out for post-exam lunch on tuesday then dinner at work. see how little i can manage at lunch.
work for the next 2 days.
uchiage party friday
work early saturday
revision sun and mon
exams tue and wed
work wed, thurs

then everyones going home and its almost christmas im so excited and scared wtf!!!!!!!!!!!

need to do christmas cards to hand out at the uchiage party!

xoxo

such a crappy day for everyone, least it's nearly over now though.
cereal, banana, falaffal wrap and SHIT LOADS of japanese food. Like seriously i'm probably 2500 or something. It's pretty disgusting. I hate eating in public i shouldn't ever let myself go out to eat. No i hate MYSELF eating out in public. Everyone else is so fucking normal and just controlled and eat normal shit. Why can't i just not ever embarass myself by binging?
AND i keep biting my nails. they haven't had time to grow for like 5, maybe 6 months now. probably since June.

So no today hasn't been a good day. Have so much essay to do and generally feel like a fat piece of shit. I don't care though. I think i'm going to go get some presents for people tomorrow with my mum and gran, then i can avoid going out tomoz night because i hate being such a whiny annoying cow. Then work saturday (need to get more vit c from chemist on way home) then sunday i can FORCE myself to finish writing my motherfucking essay. Monday can be a panicked finishing session then tuesday work, wed hand in essay, thurs last day of lectures and from then on it's just revision and work.

hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors

don't know why i should care about any of this shit at all ever. it's me who actually cares.

such a waste of space. all i do it fail and moan and waste money,

one thing that makes me happy right now? i have no food in the house. cereal and frozen veg. made of awesome. couldn't stuff my fat face even if i wanted to.

wish i could crawl out of my body tonight and go be someone else. hope tomorrow is better. need new personality/looks/intelligence/motivation/ambition. (maybe they should be going on my christmas list?)

xoxo

why am i even on lj?! Seriously i still have to do 2 & 7 day checks, write all the room cards for tomorrow, print up newspaper/wake up call lists, answer whats probably a MILLION emails (im scared to look) order a taxi, sort out some function for tomorrow, float check and photocopy some music for Eliza.

oh yeah...and WRITE my ESSAY.

!!! 

omfg!

And the phone won't stop ringing and banking ran late today and theres still people to check in. and like EVERYONE keeps warning me to lock the automatic doors but then im gonna hafta keep letting people in and the soroptomists are here tonight and shiz. like wtf?!

Eat so much today. Wussed out of weighing myself, had cereal, pesto, SDT & ham sandwich for lunch then tea was chips and chicken thing. so 1500? I really don't know. I'm not going to worry about it. Tomorrow maybe i'll skip breakfast and have fruit for lunch? not entirely sure. Maybe just cereal. But i think some of us are still going to Tang's and i'm looking forward to going out but kina nervous, i feel like nothing good can come of a social meal. Feel kina bloated but it's all the soda (whoops) and my "period" this month. Like wtf it's barely even spotting it's such a joke. Meh I'm not gonna worry about it unless it stops completely.

hoshit was meant to be finished most work work like 5 mins ago so i could do essay. Omg i'm going to fail so hard. Wanna work really really fast so i can go christmas shopping on friday and mostly i just want to RELAX! 

I'm AT work...i'm just not DOING any at the moment...

meh. Had beetroot (50?) then cheese/chicken/jalepenio sandwich (500? 600?) then dinner was beef stroganoff & rice but not a huge amount (600 max?) then like white chocolate mouse thing. (500? more?)
aaa i'm failing at guessing calories today don't know why.
I'm scared of how much all that dessert was but i'm going to say 1800. Boo hiss boo Chloe get a grip.

Least i'm weighing myself again. Also i have like NO food left. Some frozen veg and a tin of tuna...that's it. Well the less the better.
Turns out i can go to the two japanese meals. (jsoc & uchage) jsoc is scary because it's like a MEAL....i'm going to be really good all day at uni (lunch maybe, some fruit?) then try and be super good at the meal. I deleted the menu like a twat i'll have to get a copy of that.

The uchiage party should be fine if it's a buffet, put something on a plate and ignore it. mwahahaha.

Also found out i'm only home for christmas & boxing day this year but i'm not too sad, least i won't get sick of being home and won't have too much time to eat my entire house out. I'll just make the most out of the two days i have.

In other news i FINALLY got my stupid period today. Light as FUCK. srsly, so ridiculous. I don't know why it bothers to come if it's this light.

Ok enough procrastination i'm gonna finish my work then i can kanji or something.

xoxo

It's snowing (not here but around the country) It's SOOOO cold in the flat but i'm bundled up all nice and warm in my disney bathrobe. mwahaha.

Have got some presents so far but i still have loads to do. Have to get things for the flat first because they'll be leaving.

Did an early shift at work today so i had to have breakfast and lunch. Corn flakes (not sure what milk...semi?) and then some chips and chicken burgers but just a small portion. Which was ok but someone brought me full fat coke and i was like "um...omg ew....um...." but it's the only time i was going to eat today so i just drank it. We were far too busy for me to have a soda crisis in the middle of everything.

Glad i'm home now, i have a day off to revise for mondays kanji test tomorrow then i'm in mon/tue/wed/thurs, friday i NEEEEEEEED to have my Japanese essay almost finished because i'm working again saturday then only have sunday/monday/tuesday to make sure all my work is done then it's the last day off classes that thursday i think!

oh my actual god ...another semester over already. Just hoping this goes in a rush, i just want exams to be over so bad, except exams over means i only have the week off, but still i'm excited to have some time off no matter what. I need to make sure i get someone to cover my shift on the 9th, stupid exams!



PS awesome news: we totally have scales again. yey~

xoxo

Walking to work today there were some men absailing down the trees in Princes St Gardens, now it's dark and all the christmas lights they were putting up are switched on around the trees on the mound and it actually feels so lovely and wintery!

I'm so happy i love the look of those lights, makes me think of early dark and shopping for presents and getting mulled wine at the christmas market. yey for winter i love this season so much!

Still freaking out about what to even buy people but i'm sure i'll manage to come up with something. That reminds me, Linz seems to expect us to do presents again this year, must reply to her and get her something!

cereal (200)
banana (200)
apple (120)
beef stew (600)
tea (50)

So around 1200 but i feel ok. Little bit bloated but thats because i've been lax with the soda. If my period comes it'll get rid of this bloating.
Otherwise i'm just happy that it's winter and soon it'll be christmas holidays!  So totally the best time of year!

xoxo

i changed the password to this account last night and totally forgot i'd even done it! 

i feel kina crappy...think it's the alcohol hating my system. I'll feel better tomorrow when work is over for a bit. I'm probably over 1000 tonight, still i feel sorta....weak and shitty. i dunno just not good. i'm going to ignore it though. I just want to go home and collapse into bed so that i can get up tomorrow and come get my early shift over and done with.

my brain feels tired. want to hibernate. exams are coming up in a month. then christmas. no one is excited for christmas and i've run out of money. so tired. am going to be lazy tomorrow night but i need to get on top of schoolwork this week. also need to do washing....ah what an exciting life i lead.

3 and a half weeks till exams. think my period is due soon. sad times.

xoxo

starting to see the christmas ferns get all their lights on around the castle today. this is the best season, winter is just so awesome!

it's been the most beautiful fall/turning into winter this year than i can ever remember. im enjoying it.

i feel good, like im back on another high. i want it to last please! maybe i just needed to adjust or something? i feel kind of ridiculously happy and i keep smiling and shit and...i just want to make the most of this one year i get with everyone coz they're awesome and i love them a bit and stuff. hah sappy much?

the scales ran out of battery, i forgot if i said this. probably. hah its pretty ironic. i'm trying to just forget numbers exist right now. i have these new rules im kind of sticking to, just to feel safe. i'm never going to be thin but i want to try and stay happy.

today was ok: soup & fruit (like 350 max?) then dinner was this chicken stuff with yummy yummy vegetables and a piece of lemon tarte. it was VERY lemon. he gave me whipped cream but like the tiniest teaspoonfull! hah!

work is ok but i'm doing 4 nights in a row then an early sat morning. hah im going to feel like death, im already shattered, but on balance at least the eac essay is over and i'm only working thursday next week! whoo!

i want to get all pro plussed up on thursday and get drunk. just want to be drunk and happy and have fun and not care. i dont get to do that enough. i'll be eating dinner at work that day but otherwise it'd be nice to be empty and stuff. im ok today but im just trying to stay relaxed and happy about everything.

I'm probably pretty close to 2000 today, i walked to uni then home from work though so i don't feel too bad. and anyways, theres always room for improvement!

xoxo

At the time of writing:
68 (days)
11 (hours)
44 (minutes)
40 (seconds)

until christmas. 68 days. Then it's like half way through the fucking year. I always tell myself to make the fucking most out of what little routine we have these days because after christmas it's always such a fucking shock. Only a few months left of class, then spring break, the exams then BOOM second year OVER.

I don't want to lose everything i have this year. I'm dying to be good enough to just go abroad now. I want a university in Tokyo. Preferably Waseda/Gakushuin. I'm not good enough to get into them though I don't think. I need to study more or something.

Everyone seem like they're waiting for some big drama to happen. I don't like it.

thinkhappythoughtsthinkhappythoughtsthinkhappythoughtsthinkhappythoughtsthinkhappythoughts

39minutes44seconds.

*sigh*

i want to stay here forever. i want to be ready to get on a plane tonight. i don't want anything to change we have it perfect. there are so many fucking problems just screaming in our faces and we're ignoring them. everything is going to blow up really soon. i see problems where there is nothing.

I'm happy. I feel strong enough to fight that stupid fucknig depression if it comes back. I think I'll only get better as the year abroad comes closer. I want to be around then to go to Japan. I was scared before that i'd lost all fucking desire to even learn this any more. It's ok though, i feel like i belong here. Languages, this language...just feels right.

34 minutes.
10 seconds.
and counting