like 3000 at least. most probably more. i always fucking forget how bad a binge feels. fucking cake baking all day tomorrow and whilst i should be excited right now i just feel so fucking disgusting and it's going to be horrible getting over this binge, especially being surrounded by cake for two days. Then i have work twice this week. if i go home then im so fucking fucked. no seriously like i hate my life so much when i binge. MY stomach fucking hurts all i've done is stuff myself with junk. saturdays are not good days.

Tomorrow im going to take my vitamins, crosstrain, shower, have cereal. then i think i should be on like....500 or something? My metab is going to be so out of whack now. jesus im not a child i shouldn't be fucking binging like this it's bullshit! Ok im going to be ridiculous and have a bowl of cereal then convince myself that it would be monumentally stupid to try and throw up. its too late to do any good anyways. its YEARS too late.

Ellas cheekbones are so nice. i have to be so much fucking better. i need to be bones. stupid fucking addiction to losing weight. seriously wtf? why cant i be addicted to heroin like every other scottish person?!?!

Tomorrow i will make amazing cake and eat as little as i can physically manage. im super fucking excited. im finding it difficult to even fucking binge tonight. i've had loads of calories and even a bit of chocolate spread but most of it was pretty fucking tame stuff. i can't fucking bring myself to eat fucking chocolate or cake or ice cream any more. seriously it's fucking ridiculous. christmas is going to fucking kill me. i feel sorry for girls going through thanksgiving right now.

the scales are going to be like 128 tomorrow im going to throw myself off the roof when i see that stupid fucking number. alas its fucking motivation ok?

right end of my binge (eh more cereal) then im going to plan food. god i fucking HATE how i feel after a binge. its like i cant stand to be in my own fucking fat body. ew ew ew ew ew ew

tomorrow i will be the epitome of fucking control.

this cold can go fuck itself i refuse to eat like this for another day.

xoxo

7 [days until october]
126.4 [scales this morning]
22.33 [time right now]
1500 [calories for today]
20 [minutes i actually managed on the crosstrainer]
40 [minutes out walking today]
111 [what i wish i could wake up and see tomorrow]
10 [size in clothes]
20 [current BMI]
1000 [calorie limit for tomorrow]
17 [age i thought it would be cool to die at]
6 [2 litre diet coke bottles in my room]
114 [lowest weight this summer]

numbers help make everything feel better.

On a not unrelated note it makes me sick how envious i get around Ella. She's everything i'm glad i'm not, and yet i feel like the fat disgusting failure i am a million times worse when she's there being so healthy and sweet and with a fuckton more willpower than i could ever hope to have. Seriously it's ridiculous. I'm tired. I'm glad my job is almost over so i can start over at the new one. I want to be 111. I'm sick of just stuffing my face full of shit and just being generally vile.

I'm going to get out of this rut i swear. The job situation really got me down this summer but that's pretty much resolved now so i don't have an excuse. I'm going to get to 111, i'm going to get this stupid fat off my goddamn legs if it kills me. I want to slip down to a size 8.  I will see bones.

I'm so ashamed of my lack of willpower. I'm going to do better from now on.
This post has been such a downer, just ranting, sorry.

One more number, this one makes me happy:
0 [calories in diet coke]

xoxo