i physically could not be a fatter bitch than i am.

can't wait to go home and not have to eat again.

need to start working out somehow.



buzzkill much chloe? (see how much happier i am when i dont eat?!?!)



xoxo

idek. Dunno what im on today. Been really lazy and haven't done anything except sit around at work and eat chocolate. I'd love a week without any junk around. I'd love to have this fat leave me. Feel crappy but Eliza's gone home today. House will be a little quieter tomorrow. Don't know exactly when Ella is leaving. Going to finish getting presents etc tomorrow i think.

God wish i could be fucking well starving. Maybe if i don't have anything else i'll be a little hungry tomorrow?

1500 or something. i actually just don't know. Can feel my fat rolls on my tummy. its repulsive. Boo hiss boo have skinny jeans and tight fob shirt to wear home. Gonna look like a fat cow in them. same as fucking ever.

Seriously if i didn't comfort eat i would be so much happier. the "comfort" part of it is just complete bullshit.

Also we're now going to linz's not pizza hut. Which is shit i was so fucking prepared to eat out now its gonna be fucking junk food and alcohol calories. fuck my life.

xoxo

i hate binge days more than anything. guess what today is already?

Im gonna be over 2000 already. fuck i hate feeling so fat and gross. I just don't have the energy to fight myself. Hate not having any control over what we get served at work. seriously could it get much worse for me than deep fried fucking breaded cheese?!?

would rather have had nothing and be sitting at home with the two bottles of diet coke in the fridge. Well i can always have them tomorrow. Tomoz is the last day till tuesday i'll have any fucking control as well. Gonna look like shit to see the girls back home this weekend. No change from usual then. tue and wed are the run up to xmas then thurs/fri are going to be horrific of course.

Jesus im going to put on so much fucking weight in the next week i want to die just thinking about it.



I'm such a liar. I don't want to be thin at all. I'm binging as i fucking type this.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate. I'm so disusting m gonna feel like this for another 9 days at least. fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I will NOT let this defeat me. Swear to god, lower than 118  for semester 2.

xoxo

breaded mushrooms stuffed with garlic mayonnaise. Could even have been deep fried. With chips. And to top it off: 144 cal worth of sprite.

Words cannot describe how disgusting i feel.

1500 at least.

Just want to be free of myself.



Wish i could go missing for a while.



xoxo

ow my tummy hurts. biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge.

its impossible to convey how much i hate binging. 3000 cal at 1 on the morning. dont want to purge though. im staying positive. this is going to boost me into motivated!chloe to stay strong this week and lose right past 120 for proper.
i dont want icky bad fatty sugary processed junk food to get into me. Tomorrow i know i'll have cereal but i really want to see how little i can get off with.

maybe i'll get some apples. im completely lacking sugar in my diet right now.

sitting around revising tomorrow. i'll be awesome and strong.
going out for post-exam lunch on tuesday then dinner at work. see how little i can manage at lunch.
work for the next 2 days.
uchiage party friday
work early saturday
revision sun and mon
exams tue and wed
work wed, thurs

then everyones going home and its almost christmas im so excited and scared wtf!!!!!!!!!!!

need to do christmas cards to hand out at the uchiage party!

xoxo

i managed to lock myself out of this account for a couple of days? seriously im sure the password was right! i tried everything else!
anyways im over my moment of gimpyness.

Yesterday sucked a little. only because i was tired and weak all day and SO COLD then i got home late and went pretty much straight to bed then when i got up i was so fucking exhausted and thursdays are the shittest days for classes and i knew i had work tonight and i just wasn't in the mood for my life. then the shower was cold and the scales are like "guess what? yup: GAIN!" evil fucker.

So i didn't feel too great. But i got through the last classes of the semester. only three exams to go. I actually do feel so fucking relieved that i made it though. Like just knowing class is over for a while im so fucking at peace inside its stupid.

Had so many gross calories today. Cereal, salami & mozz & sdt roll (just...ew, there are no words) then at work it was...green beans and carrots with lovely baby potatoes and some breaded pork. I eat it all because im a pig. Feel super disgusting. my skin is like a plague victim. yum.

Lunch at noodle bar with my mum tomorrow i think. at least im walking around the shops all day. won't eat anything but lunch. so so so unhappy. I'm clearly going to gain again tomorrow. hate my numbers obsession. im not that dumb, i know that type of gain isn't me putting on proper fat but i feel awful anyways.

i always forget boys are meant to eat more than us. (wonder who to blame for that) seems unfair. 500 is like half my daily intake. they get 500 MORE than us a day? how is that fair? whatever i've eaten like 1500 at least today. god im so disgusting. want all this crap out my system now. i hate days that make me want to throw up.

xoxo

1700 WITHOUT counting dinner (i dont even want to look it up im ready to die as it is)

i feel like i can't even trust myself to fucking let myself out the house why can i just NOT FUCKING BEHAVE?!?!

chloe seriously if you don't stop your going to have to find some serious way of fucking punishing yourself.

theres no fucking WAY i can let this go on. jesus fucking christ i can't believe this is how i fucking well act! im so fucking angry/dissapointed/ashamed/furious/disgusted with my entire existance

seriously if i eat again before dinner tomorrow i'm going to find a way to hurt myself somehow. i cant let myself off with this.

how can i go out tomorrow now? god stupid fat whore. i cant actually still stuff myself into skinny jeans and go spend a whole night drinking and most probably binging. like wtf? theres no way im going out now.

stupid fucking BITCH

i feel pretty sick. i hate abusing my body like this, not its fault im screwed up in the head. Serioiusly like 2500 at least. about 800 was various bowls of cereal throughout the day then some soup to balance out my salt levels and stuff...also i stole a huge apple. so like 1500 was all of that. which was a ridiculous amount but not too much fat or anything.

I binged again though. i don't know why i do shit like this to myself. i feel like death now. just spoonfulls of chocolate and fudge. I hate shit like that why do i stuff myself with it even though i hate it??!?! like i seriously actually hate it but for like that exact moment i just get this huge fucking compulsion to force it all down. thinking about it right now makes me want to go be sick but i don't do that. i refuse to be weak like that. If i cant control my fucking binging then i deserve to get the calories.

I'm going to look more disgusting than usual thanks to all this binging lately.
my stomach is fucked and my skin feels icky. I want to be fucking empty im so mad at myself i could cry. wish i cud take pro plus and feel my heart and not care. I'm going to be super awesome to myself and just have water until ....hmmm....letssee....2 oclock tomorrow. 2pm. Then i can have some tuna or something. maybe see if theres any quorn or anything i can put with it from the freezer. then after six no eating. So yeah im going to get my fucking control back and stop feeling like i want to die. thisissostupid!!!

So fail again today. Tomorrow will be awesome. 2pm....then i'll give myself what i need for the day. thats it.
i NEED to finish this fucking essay, i'm so sick of writing it!

xoxo

like 3000 at least. most probably more. i always fucking forget how bad a binge feels. fucking cake baking all day tomorrow and whilst i should be excited right now i just feel so fucking disgusting and it's going to be horrible getting over this binge, especially being surrounded by cake for two days. Then i have work twice this week. if i go home then im so fucking fucked. no seriously like i hate my life so much when i binge. MY stomach fucking hurts all i've done is stuff myself with junk. saturdays are not good days.

Tomorrow im going to take my vitamins, crosstrain, shower, have cereal. then i think i should be on like....500 or something? My metab is going to be so out of whack now. jesus im not a child i shouldn't be fucking binging like this it's bullshit! Ok im going to be ridiculous and have a bowl of cereal then convince myself that it would be monumentally stupid to try and throw up. its too late to do any good anyways. its YEARS too late.

Ellas cheekbones are so nice. i have to be so much fucking better. i need to be bones. stupid fucking addiction to losing weight. seriously wtf? why cant i be addicted to heroin like every other scottish person?!?!

Tomorrow i will make amazing cake and eat as little as i can physically manage. im super fucking excited. im finding it difficult to even fucking binge tonight. i've had loads of calories and even a bit of chocolate spread but most of it was pretty fucking tame stuff. i can't fucking bring myself to eat fucking chocolate or cake or ice cream any more. seriously it's fucking ridiculous. christmas is going to fucking kill me. i feel sorry for girls going through thanksgiving right now.

the scales are going to be like 128 tomorrow im going to throw myself off the roof when i see that stupid fucking number. alas its fucking motivation ok?

right end of my binge (eh more cereal) then im going to plan food. god i fucking HATE how i feel after a binge. its like i cant stand to be in my own fucking fat body. ew ew ew ew ew ew

tomorrow i will be the epitome of fucking control.

this cold can go fuck itself i refuse to eat like this for another day.

xoxo

I love working in reception. I'm downloading msn live onto the new computer while listening to some old ladies chat while they wait for their friends to come for lunch. I'm still working on sorting out the order of Japanese universities that I need to have done soon.

Lunch was beef and yorkshire pudding with boiled potatoes and cabbage. I feel a bit better, i eat like everything because obviously i'm a fat whore but oh well. At least if i feed this cold i might get better instead of getting the flu or pneumonia or some stupid shit.

Andrew went upstairs so i have the heater on full blast under my desk. Sorry global warming but i'm fucking FREEZING.

Man from the flat just left, he's nice. My fingers are like ICE typing this seriously! I love how it looks like im working hard but i'm really just moaning to LJ.

I feel better today, my head isn't all fucked up and the paranoia/depression isn't as bad at all. Being sick makes me weak to stupid shit like that.

so food thus far:
cearal x2
chocolate (2 tsp?)
toast with butter & marmalade x2
tea with milk x2
beef & yorkshire pudding in gravy
boiled potatoes
cabbage


haha this posh lady that thinks everyones a slut just walked past telling her friend about "two young girls sitting on a pavement outside exposing themselves". Her friend found it hilarious. They are both ancient. I love old people somtimes.

ok actually i have binged so fucking much today. This better fucking help me get better. I don't want to be fat AND diseased, that just wouldn't be fair. Dammit i really wanted to spend the weekend getting under 120. I guess it's better that i don't do it with restriction alone though. Probably the scales will die laughing at me tomorrow. Bet anything it's going to be like "125 you fat bitch"

sigh, i can't be bothered with this shit. And tomorrow is a day of fucking cake baking. Fantastic.

( cut for uberbitch rant )

I'm sorry that was so fucking bitchy. But hey thats what my blog is for. I'm just being a cunt because binge days piss me off so much.

guy from the flat came back with like a million cans of beer. He's watching the cricket tonight apparently.

I bet i'm pushing 200 already today. It's so disgusting i don't even want to think about it. I'm going to stop monologuing and go research uni's.

xoxo

so being sick sucks ass. I eat a shit lot on thursday and was down to 120.6 on friday, yesterday i eat maybe...800 complete max yet i'm bloated and 121.6 now and i hurt and it sucks. So i'm at work freezing my ass off and so fucking jittery and nausious i can barely type and i do NOT want to try and stand up that just makes me wanna puke.

I want to get a hot water bottle and sit in a warm bathroom with my back against a radiator and just puke until theres nothing left.

Sadly i'm at work for the next 3 hours 45 minutes. Sigh.

It's lunch time now, i've already had two bowls of corn flakes (i was too weak to walk to work) some random chocolate spread (because im a pig) and then 2 bits of toast with butter and marmalade. Oh an don't forget tea. Fucking fantastic. Like i actually eat butter.

Seriously i keep sneezing and coughing and just generally being diseased.

Just kill me now i hate this so much.

God knows what andrews going to bring for lunch. he hates me having the heater on my my hands are turning to ice. My legs were so cold yesterday that i had the hairdryer on them till it died out and i still couldn't feel a fucking thing. I don't care how poor i am, i'm going to boots after my shift for some more vitamins. At least i'll feel like i'm doing something that way.

xoxo

So we're getting dinner at macdonalds tonight on the way out. Obviously i'm trying to be reasonable and not let it freak me out.

I'm failing. I can't really get off without eating if my mum is there. I don't want to give anyone any ammunition to use against me. I don't want them to shout at me and call me "ana". stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

There are some things that outsiders just really don't understand. I don't blame them but it upsets me when people are so insensitive. You can't comment on someone elses food habits. You just fucking can't. You can't fucking judge someone for how/what they eat. It's not funny or smart or "not a big deal". it pisses me off so fucking much.

I feel like i have no fucking privacy because all we do is watch each other eat. I hate when people think it's ok to slag me off for not eating in public. i feel so fucking moritified. I swear if it keeps happening then i'm just going to start skipping meals together. Fuck this socialising shit. It's not worth feeling like a fucking loser for the rest of the day after.

Jesus 330 calories in medium fries....i don't even care that much about the numbers it's the gross shit that i have to eat! god seriously why do people want junk like that in their systems. do they fucking LIKE the idea of grease and fat?!!?! seriously i DONT GET IT!!!!!!!

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. ok whatever i'll be ok. i'll just be extra violent with the emokids tonight. Burn off that gross fat. Ew ew ew ew. It'll be fine it's just for tonight. I'll be good.

Tonight is going to be perfect. I refuse to let anything ruin tonight.
xoxo