300 before my exam (chocolate & huge bowl of crunchy nut)
100 at work (richard gave me chocolate)

dinner was deep fried breaded camembert & chips. fuckingholyhell.

((just gave cammy the housemaids keys...probably shouldn't have.))


so 1500? nah it's got to be more. i'll say 1800. Jesus im just gonna have to accept it. Today was last day of exams maybe i deserve some fucking cheese.

119.2 this morning. Would have lost but i don't think i will now. no big deal, can just exercise alot of the holidays when im in the flat alone. looking forward to it.

((scratched my arm up yesterday, kind of sad to see the marks going down.))

Hope sandie feels better soon. Feel shit i can't do anything to cheer her up.

xoxo

still need to revise for EAC. (jap is getting written off i dont care)
wrapped most of the presents. just a game, two boxes and ribbons to do. oh and cards! eek!
mum: "what did you eat today?" (paranoia much chloe?)

i'm gonna call it at...900? just wanna get d. coke on the way home and crash out all night. SO got to revise though. will finish dexter while i do.

Boss has given me actual work to do, better go be good employee.

Wish i didn't always have to lose weight.

Fantasizing about cutting my face again. had insomnia so i lay all night thinking about hurting myself with the scissors i was using to wrap everyones presents.

i should be trying harder to be normal.

really worried about gaining in the next two weeks. want bones for cobra on 29th jan.

So i had an apple when i got home last night. it was so fucking good. I was literally wrecked but i sat in sandies room for an hour and annoyed the fuck out of her caught up with her.
Was the really nice kind of weak today. Barely felt sick at all. Got dressed and came down to princes street (had an apple on the way) then got a few presents and had a soy chai latte (last time i'll do that for a while)
Dinner at work was roast leg of lamb in marsala jus (type of red wine?) and potatoes. 1500?

Theres a huge box of chocolates for reception sitting in the office. i've been good so far. My last apple is in the bottom of my bag, im not hungry though i don't actually want it.

uchiage tomorrow, probably going to be up and out early to collect all the sushi from the restraunt. I'll try and be good tomorrow. Today hasn't been all that great tbh, it'll probably be easy enough to improve on it.

fuck. still haven't fucking well studied. I'm going to try and do an hour now.

friends from home want to go to pizza hut next week. im gonna try and make sure i have calories in my phone. its so shit because im at home for that weekend. Seriously just thinknig about how much i'll probably eat is making me want to cry. fucks sake.

on the plus side: apart from sweets & wrapping paper, i've got everyones presents!!! yeyness!!!

xoxo

sucks. im so fucking tired. need a drink so bad but im on my own so i cant go get one. got work again for the next two days, then uchiage then more work. should be fucking revising my ass off for J2B and EAC but i seriously can't be bothered. i just want to down like 2 litres of diet coke and go to bed.

Can't find anything comforting to read. boo hiss boo.

fucking starved. been trying to find dessert recipes for christmas day. SO fucking hungry i just wanna gorge on everything. I'm glad im hungry actually its the only thing cheering my up tonight. How fucked up is that i know.

Mum says she's not buying alot of chocolate etc at christmas. I'm happy. Like i know i'll binge like fucking crazy for those two days, but it's two days, i'll recover from it.

I like feeling hungry. It's like, no fuck you, you fat bitch. Lose some weight THEN tell me you feel hungry ok?

I'm determined to get rid of this fat. if im gonna be ugly either way i'd rather it be with bones. less to hate. want to stop biting my nails. maybe once exams are over i wont be as stressed for a week or two. i hope.


xoxo

Hate this fucking depression. feel like i'll never be fucking normal. On the plus side i controlled myself quite well today. Was at 121.4, got up at 6.30, didn't eat anything until about 1.30 when i had a soy chai latte at starbucks as a "cheer up" incentive after that stupid exam this morning. Was nice to just sit there for an hour and chat to my mum. Not have to care about anything.

Not actually walked around much today but at least it's better than sitting around the flat binging! Need to remember to get wrapping paper btw! 

Dinner was turkey and potatos and green beans. So many calories but it's the only thing i'll eat today. So i'm probably ok to guess 1000 right? Hopefully i can properly get below 120 this month. It's killing me to see everyone else lose so much weight so normally and i have to fight with my stupid fat self every second not to fucking binge. Seriously emotional eating will be how i die ok.

Need to not have breakfast or lunch tomorrow. Might come down to the shops early so i can get wrapping paper and fun stuff like that. Could have a liquid lunch if i really wanted.

have this obsession now with storing calorie info in my phone so i don't panic when we're out somewhere. makes everything so much fucking better. like 203 for starbucks today. I can deal with splurging as long as i'm still in control. Uchiage party on friday. i will NOT let everyone see how much of a fatass i am. Just gonna go, force out some happy, control myself.

Good things to focus on:
wrapping everyones presents and giving them out!!!
meeting up with linz (hopefully!)
finishing exams
making christmas dinner and dessert.


xoxo

PS Lena said she might be able to get me some wrist bands for hogmanay, we probably wont use them but it would be cool to offer them to people!!

ow my tummy hurts. biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge.

its impossible to convey how much i hate binging. 3000 cal at 1 on the morning. dont want to purge though. im staying positive. this is going to boost me into motivated!chloe to stay strong this week and lose right past 120 for proper.
i dont want icky bad fatty sugary processed junk food to get into me. Tomorrow i know i'll have cereal but i really want to see how little i can get off with.

maybe i'll get some apples. im completely lacking sugar in my diet right now.

sitting around revising tomorrow. i'll be awesome and strong.
going out for post-exam lunch on tuesday then dinner at work. see how little i can manage at lunch.
work for the next 2 days.
uchiage party friday
work early saturday
revision sun and mon
exams tue and wed
work wed, thurs

then everyones going home and its almost christmas im so excited and scared wtf!!!!!!!!!!!

need to do christmas cards to hand out at the uchiage party!

xoxo

It's snowing (not here but around the country) It's SOOOO cold in the flat but i'm bundled up all nice and warm in my disney bathrobe. mwahaha.

Have got some presents so far but i still have loads to do. Have to get things for the flat first because they'll be leaving.

Did an early shift at work today so i had to have breakfast and lunch. Corn flakes (not sure what milk...semi?) and then some chips and chicken burgers but just a small portion. Which was ok but someone brought me full fat coke and i was like "um...omg ew....um...." but it's the only time i was going to eat today so i just drank it. We were far too busy for me to have a soda crisis in the middle of everything.

Glad i'm home now, i have a day off to revise for mondays kanji test tomorrow then i'm in mon/tue/wed/thurs, friday i NEEEEEEEED to have my Japanese essay almost finished because i'm working again saturday then only have sunday/monday/tuesday to make sure all my work is done then it's the last day off classes that thursday i think!

oh my actual god ...another semester over already. Just hoping this goes in a rush, i just want exams to be over so bad, except exams over means i only have the week off, but still i'm excited to have some time off no matter what. I need to make sure i get someone to cover my shift on the 9th, stupid exams!



PS awesome news: we totally have scales again. yey~

xoxo

i changed the password to this account last night and totally forgot i'd even done it! 

i feel kina crappy...think it's the alcohol hating my system. I'll feel better tomorrow when work is over for a bit. I'm probably over 1000 tonight, still i feel sorta....weak and shitty. i dunno just not good. i'm going to ignore it though. I just want to go home and collapse into bed so that i can get up tomorrow and come get my early shift over and done with.

my brain feels tired. want to hibernate. exams are coming up in a month. then christmas. no one is excited for christmas and i've run out of money. so tired. am going to be lazy tomorrow night but i need to get on top of schoolwork this week. also need to do washing....ah what an exciting life i lead.

3 and a half weeks till exams. think my period is due soon. sad times.

xoxo