i physically could not be a fatter bitch than i am.

can't wait to go home and not have to eat again.

need to start working out somehow.



buzzkill much chloe? (see how much happier i am when i dont eat?!?!)



xoxo

idek. Dunno what im on today. Been really lazy and haven't done anything except sit around at work and eat chocolate. I'd love a week without any junk around. I'd love to have this fat leave me. Feel crappy but Eliza's gone home today. House will be a little quieter tomorrow. Don't know exactly when Ella is leaving. Going to finish getting presents etc tomorrow i think.

God wish i could be fucking well starving. Maybe if i don't have anything else i'll be a little hungry tomorrow?

1500 or something. i actually just don't know. Can feel my fat rolls on my tummy. its repulsive. Boo hiss boo have skinny jeans and tight fob shirt to wear home. Gonna look like a fat cow in them. same as fucking ever.

Seriously if i didn't comfort eat i would be so much happier. the "comfort" part of it is just complete bullshit.

Also we're now going to linz's not pizza hut. Which is shit i was so fucking prepared to eat out now its gonna be fucking junk food and alcohol calories. fuck my life.

xoxo

i hate binge days more than anything. guess what today is already?

Im gonna be over 2000 already. fuck i hate feeling so fat and gross. I just don't have the energy to fight myself. Hate not having any control over what we get served at work. seriously could it get much worse for me than deep fried fucking breaded cheese?!?

would rather have had nothing and be sitting at home with the two bottles of diet coke in the fridge. Well i can always have them tomorrow. Tomoz is the last day till tuesday i'll have any fucking control as well. Gonna look like shit to see the girls back home this weekend. No change from usual then. tue and wed are the run up to xmas then thurs/fri are going to be horrific of course.

Jesus im going to put on so much fucking weight in the next week i want to die just thinking about it.



I'm such a liar. I don't want to be thin at all. I'm binging as i fucking type this.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate. I'm so disusting m gonna feel like this for another 9 days at least. fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I will NOT let this defeat me. Swear to god, lower than 118  for semester 2.

xoxo

300 before my exam (chocolate & huge bowl of crunchy nut)
100 at work (richard gave me chocolate)

dinner was deep fried breaded camembert & chips. fuckingholyhell.

((just gave cammy the housemaids keys...probably shouldn't have.))


so 1500? nah it's got to be more. i'll say 1800. Jesus im just gonna have to accept it. Today was last day of exams maybe i deserve some fucking cheese.

119.2 this morning. Would have lost but i don't think i will now. no big deal, can just exercise alot of the holidays when im in the flat alone. looking forward to it.

((scratched my arm up yesterday, kind of sad to see the marks going down.))

Hope sandie feels better soon. Feel shit i can't do anything to cheer her up.

xoxo

breaded mushrooms stuffed with garlic mayonnaise. Could even have been deep fried. With chips. And to top it off: 144 cal worth of sprite.

Words cannot describe how disgusting i feel.

1500 at least.

Just want to be free of myself.



Wish i could go missing for a while.



xoxo

tired. feel sad. not depressed just really sad.

had huge bowl of cereal this morning then felt like i was going to die by the time i got to work but i couldn't eat anything. Dinner in a hour anyways. Kind of weak but at least i don't feel like im going to puke or faint anymore.

sick of feeling lonely. wish i could fix things for people. for the first time in ages today i could actually think clearly. was happy this morning. probably more manic than happy but i'll take what i can get tbh.

my skin is disgusting right now. i haven't eaten much junk (advent chocolate, full fat coke yesterday), had plenty of sleep, stress is cut in half without classes, i scrub it at least once a day. it's so gross i cant deal with it. so annoying. don't know what else to try. so fucking fat and disgusting. i need to stop thinking about it.

my stomach is being all rumbly. its comforting tonight.

just want to curl up in the dark. these strangers at work that say goodnight and wish me merry christmas, i feel happier around them then any other time lately.

oh and i gave up looking forward to new year. it should be grades i spend my time wishing for, not friends.

xoxo

sucks. im so fucking tired. need a drink so bad but im on my own so i cant go get one. got work again for the next two days, then uchiage then more work. should be fucking revising my ass off for J2B and EAC but i seriously can't be bothered. i just want to down like 2 litres of diet coke and go to bed.

Can't find anything comforting to read. boo hiss boo.

fucking starved. been trying to find dessert recipes for christmas day. SO fucking hungry i just wanna gorge on everything. I'm glad im hungry actually its the only thing cheering my up tonight. How fucked up is that i know.

Mum says she's not buying alot of chocolate etc at christmas. I'm happy. Like i know i'll binge like fucking crazy for those two days, but it's two days, i'll recover from it.

I like feeling hungry. It's like, no fuck you, you fat bitch. Lose some weight THEN tell me you feel hungry ok?

I'm determined to get rid of this fat. if im gonna be ugly either way i'd rather it be with bones. less to hate. want to stop biting my nails. maybe once exams are over i wont be as stressed for a week or two. i hope.


xoxo

Hate this fucking depression. feel like i'll never be fucking normal. On the plus side i controlled myself quite well today. Was at 121.4, got up at 6.30, didn't eat anything until about 1.30 when i had a soy chai latte at starbucks as a "cheer up" incentive after that stupid exam this morning. Was nice to just sit there for an hour and chat to my mum. Not have to care about anything.

Not actually walked around much today but at least it's better than sitting around the flat binging! Need to remember to get wrapping paper btw! 

Dinner was turkey and potatos and green beans. So many calories but it's the only thing i'll eat today. So i'm probably ok to guess 1000 right? Hopefully i can properly get below 120 this month. It's killing me to see everyone else lose so much weight so normally and i have to fight with my stupid fat self every second not to fucking binge. Seriously emotional eating will be how i die ok.

Need to not have breakfast or lunch tomorrow. Might come down to the shops early so i can get wrapping paper and fun stuff like that. Could have a liquid lunch if i really wanted.

have this obsession now with storing calorie info in my phone so i don't panic when we're out somewhere. makes everything so much fucking better. like 203 for starbucks today. I can deal with splurging as long as i'm still in control. Uchiage party on friday. i will NOT let everyone see how much of a fatass i am. Just gonna go, force out some happy, control myself.

Good things to focus on:
wrapping everyones presents and giving them out!!!
meeting up with linz (hopefully!)
finishing exams
making christmas dinner and dessert.


xoxo

PS Lena said she might be able to get me some wrist bands for hogmanay, we probably wont use them but it would be cool to offer them to people!!

ow my tummy hurts. biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge.

its impossible to convey how much i hate binging. 3000 cal at 1 on the morning. dont want to purge though. im staying positive. this is going to boost me into motivated!chloe to stay strong this week and lose right past 120 for proper.
i dont want icky bad fatty sugary processed junk food to get into me. Tomorrow i know i'll have cereal but i really want to see how little i can get off with.

maybe i'll get some apples. im completely lacking sugar in my diet right now.

sitting around revising tomorrow. i'll be awesome and strong.
going out for post-exam lunch on tuesday then dinner at work. see how little i can manage at lunch.
work for the next 2 days.
uchiage party friday
work early saturday
revision sun and mon
exams tue and wed
work wed, thurs

then everyones going home and its almost christmas im so excited and scared wtf!!!!!!!!!!!

need to do christmas cards to hand out at the uchiage party!

xoxo

i managed to lock myself out of this account for a couple of days? seriously im sure the password was right! i tried everything else!
anyways im over my moment of gimpyness.

Yesterday sucked a little. only because i was tired and weak all day and SO COLD then i got home late and went pretty much straight to bed then when i got up i was so fucking exhausted and thursdays are the shittest days for classes and i knew i had work tonight and i just wasn't in the mood for my life. then the shower was cold and the scales are like "guess what? yup: GAIN!" evil fucker.

So i didn't feel too great. But i got through the last classes of the semester. only three exams to go. I actually do feel so fucking relieved that i made it though. Like just knowing class is over for a while im so fucking at peace inside its stupid.

Had so many gross calories today. Cereal, salami & mozz & sdt roll (just...ew, there are no words) then at work it was...green beans and carrots with lovely baby potatoes and some breaded pork. I eat it all because im a pig. Feel super disgusting. my skin is like a plague victim. yum.

Lunch at noodle bar with my mum tomorrow i think. at least im walking around the shops all day. won't eat anything but lunch. so so so unhappy. I'm clearly going to gain again tomorrow. hate my numbers obsession. im not that dumb, i know that type of gain isn't me putting on proper fat but i feel awful anyways.

i always forget boys are meant to eat more than us. (wonder who to blame for that) seems unfair. 500 is like half my daily intake. they get 500 MORE than us a day? how is that fair? whatever i've eaten like 1500 at least today. god im so disgusting. want all this crap out my system now. i hate days that make me want to throw up.

xoxo

such a crappy day for everyone, least it's nearly over now though.
cereal, banana, falaffal wrap and SHIT LOADS of japanese food. Like seriously i'm probably 2500 or something. It's pretty disgusting. I hate eating in public i shouldn't ever let myself go out to eat. No i hate MYSELF eating out in public. Everyone else is so fucking normal and just controlled and eat normal shit. Why can't i just not ever embarass myself by binging?
AND i keep biting my nails. they haven't had time to grow for like 5, maybe 6 months now. probably since June.

So no today hasn't been a good day. Have so much essay to do and generally feel like a fat piece of shit. I don't care though. I think i'm going to go get some presents for people tomorrow with my mum and gran, then i can avoid going out tomoz night because i hate being such a whiny annoying cow. Then work saturday (need to get more vit c from chemist on way home) then sunday i can FORCE myself to finish writing my motherfucking essay. Monday can be a panicked finishing session then tuesday work, wed hand in essay, thurs last day of lectures and from then on it's just revision and work.

hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors hate mirrors

don't know why i should care about any of this shit at all ever. it's me who actually cares.

such a waste of space. all i do it fail and moan and waste money,

one thing that makes me happy right now? i have no food in the house. cereal and frozen veg. made of awesome. couldn't stuff my fat face even if i wanted to.

wish i could crawl out of my body tonight and go be someone else. hope tomorrow is better. need new personality/looks/intelligence/motivation/ambition. (maybe they should be going on my christmas list?)

xoxo

I'm at work being lazy as usual. I already have a mountain of homework piled up but all i've managed to do today is eat loads of junk. Cereal this morning, and soup while i was stressing about my stupid essay. (460?) Then i had an awesome lunch (2 bottle of diet coke, i was so happy and bouncy) then gave everyone chocolate at work (i had one...like 36) but then Lena stayed late and got cake for us from the kitchen. (urgh like 400 no joke)
Dinner was pork chop and chips. I don't even WANT to know. seriously im dying a little inside. I want to go out tomorrow but i feel so fat and disgusting. I've missed the scales for the past couple of days now i'm too scared to go on them because i know it'll be awful. It never improves. I don't know why i tell myself i'll lose weight when i never do. It's so stupid. I spend so much time stressing and i never actually get any thinner.

I always fee really embarrassed of that. Clearly everyone thinks i try to starve myself but it's obvious that all i actually do is stuff my face constantly. Also im such a fat cow but i still try and were skinny jeans all the time. Seriously i cringe for myself.

Tomorrow i'm going to have dinner at work then go out and get really drunk. Will take only essentials with me then leave a bag at work, i can get it when i'm in on friday.Yey for going out. Boo for y'know...being a fat whore. Oh well.

like 3000 at least. most probably more. i always fucking forget how bad a binge feels. fucking cake baking all day tomorrow and whilst i should be excited right now i just feel so fucking disgusting and it's going to be horrible getting over this binge, especially being surrounded by cake for two days. Then i have work twice this week. if i go home then im so fucking fucked. no seriously like i hate my life so much when i binge. MY stomach fucking hurts all i've done is stuff myself with junk. saturdays are not good days.

Tomorrow im going to take my vitamins, crosstrain, shower, have cereal. then i think i should be on like....500 or something? My metab is going to be so out of whack now. jesus im not a child i shouldn't be fucking binging like this it's bullshit! Ok im going to be ridiculous and have a bowl of cereal then convince myself that it would be monumentally stupid to try and throw up. its too late to do any good anyways. its YEARS too late.

Ellas cheekbones are so nice. i have to be so much fucking better. i need to be bones. stupid fucking addiction to losing weight. seriously wtf? why cant i be addicted to heroin like every other scottish person?!?!

Tomorrow i will make amazing cake and eat as little as i can physically manage. im super fucking excited. im finding it difficult to even fucking binge tonight. i've had loads of calories and even a bit of chocolate spread but most of it was pretty fucking tame stuff. i can't fucking bring myself to eat fucking chocolate or cake or ice cream any more. seriously it's fucking ridiculous. christmas is going to fucking kill me. i feel sorry for girls going through thanksgiving right now.

the scales are going to be like 128 tomorrow im going to throw myself off the roof when i see that stupid fucking number. alas its fucking motivation ok?

right end of my binge (eh more cereal) then im going to plan food. god i fucking HATE how i feel after a binge. its like i cant stand to be in my own fucking fat body. ew ew ew ew ew ew

tomorrow i will be the epitome of fucking control.

this cold can go fuck itself i refuse to eat like this for another day.

xoxo