still need to revise for EAC. (jap is getting written off i dont care)
wrapped most of the presents. just a game, two boxes and ribbons to do. oh and cards! eek!
mum: "what did you eat today?" (paranoia much chloe?)

i'm gonna call it at...900? just wanna get d. coke on the way home and crash out all night. SO got to revise though. will finish dexter while i do.

Boss has given me actual work to do, better go be good employee.

Wish i didn't always have to lose weight.

Fantasizing about cutting my face again. had insomnia so i lay all night thinking about hurting myself with the scissors i was using to wrap everyones presents.

i should be trying harder to be normal.

really worried about gaining in the next two weeks. want bones for cobra on 29th jan.

So we're getting dinner at macdonalds tonight on the way out. Obviously i'm trying to be reasonable and not let it freak me out.

I'm failing. I can't really get off without eating if my mum is there. I don't want to give anyone any ammunition to use against me. I don't want them to shout at me and call me "ana". stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

There are some things that outsiders just really don't understand. I don't blame them but it upsets me when people are so insensitive. You can't comment on someone elses food habits. You just fucking can't. You can't fucking judge someone for how/what they eat. It's not funny or smart or "not a big deal". it pisses me off so fucking much.

I feel like i have no fucking privacy because all we do is watch each other eat. I hate when people think it's ok to slag me off for not eating in public. i feel so fucking moritified. I swear if it keeps happening then i'm just going to start skipping meals together. Fuck this socialising shit. It's not worth feeling like a fucking loser for the rest of the day after.

Jesus 330 calories in medium fries....i don't even care that much about the numbers it's the gross shit that i have to eat! god seriously why do people want junk like that in their systems. do they fucking LIKE the idea of grease and fat?!!?! seriously i DONT GET IT!!!!!!!

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. ok whatever i'll be ok. i'll just be extra violent with the emokids tonight. Burn off that gross fat. Ew ew ew ew. It'll be fine it's just for tonight. I'll be good.

Tonight is going to be perfect. I refuse to let anything ruin tonight.
xoxo

...is how fucking awesome it feels on the upswing.

i fucking hate how fucking ridiculous my moods are. i've been getting so fucking stupid and out of control and so fucking wound up in my own fucking head lately i can't even fucking see straight. I really fucking hate it.

Today though it was gone. Like walking to class, right now, standing in the kitchen...im so fucking spastic how can i feel so happy right now!?!? like literally its like i want to smile and giggle and shit just because the sky is pretty or something stupid like that. I just feel so fucking thankful that i still have my flat and my friends and my job and my uni and whatever.
I don't deserve all that stuff, but i'm trying to be grateful for it.

I can't believe how bad i felt since sunday. Seriously it's only been like 4 days but it felt like it lasted an age. Stupid fucking stupid brain. Whatever i'm happy right now, thats the imporrtant thing.


I'm like 1600 at least today, going to go on the crosstrainer for 45 mins, see if that makes me feel better. Busy busy busy day tomorrow so hopefully i can do better than today. Going to have to stop myself eating lunch. At least there won't be any cake or anything near me. (hopefully!) alcohol at jsoc but if i haven't eaten much then i'll feel much better being weak than drunk. And even if i do drink i won't need much to get buzzed. Maybe just starve all day and take pro plus. Lmao i am just such a fucking awesome role model! 

PS:   it would be nice to be below 120 for the gig in two weeks. 6 lbs in two weeks is nothing. Giving myself an actual goal for once will probably motivate me too.

xoxo