my head hurts so much! kept waking up last night and i have a really chesting cough thats making my throat all raw.

apart from that i'm just so freaking happy it's nearly christmas! home for two days! presents! dinner! baking mince pies! gonna give my puppies HUGE hugs!

seriously i preffered the spinning to the headache. hurts alot. got a whole shift to deal with. gah it'll be worth it at 10 o'clock! it's 5 to 11 and i still haven't showered or wrapped presents or packed or wrote out christmas cards. boo hiss boo.

ow. don't want to sit at work tonight, just want painkillers. 11 hours!

Gotta go rush now coz i'm seriously actually late i think!!


Merry christmas eve to everyone though! (i would just text people but i have a feeling i'd be wasting my credit)


xoxo

so im starting from scratch. it's going to be awesome. going to flush myself out with water tonight i think. Have awesome fic to read, some christmas cards to write and a whole bottle of diet coke waiting for me at home in the fridge!

I'm going to be so fucking tiny i swear to god i will be able to count my bones. Really fucking excited to actually work at my life. i think this weekend at home actually helped me sort my head out. thank fucking god.

Need to clear my system out from all this "comfort eating" this week. Skin is seriously skanky. The scale is going to be sad times tomorrow but i need to know where i am to motivate my fat ass! Need to go on the crosstrainer more since i'm not walking as much over the holidays.

on 700 (approx) but it's only just afternoon and hopefully this means i won't have to have anything at all tonight. very fucking excited.

Oh and cobra got postponed so i have an unknown amount of time to get thin enough to fit into those nice pinstripe trousers. Yey for that!


ok so i'll just overly happy today! can't wait to get back to my flat and cosy and just be really fucking hungry tonight.

xoxo

yey for liquid calories? lol not really just happy to be back in control. To have some perpective. its motivating.

Just chilling out at home today. Listening to music, lots of fic to read, gotta wrap linz present, might watch some more dexter as well later. Hoping my dad goes out to the pub or something so i can have tv. (i don't even watch anything on it i just like to flick sometimes and have music channels on in the background.)

So fucking glad i don't live here any more. As much as im lost and feel like ive failed yea? i don't care getting out of here and having my own flat is the best thing i've ever done.

laters. v happy!!! Gonan make the most of it.


xoxo

today is the best day in forever! well ok not really but it has been super awesome!
i got like 8 hours sleep but i was still shattered but i don't care because classes are over for the week and i'm going out tonight and then after 3.30pm saturday i'm only working one day for the next week and a half which is so cool!!! seriously im so excited. it's just over a month until christmas and i have NO IDEA what to get people but im just so fucking happy!

i know, slightly manic....bear with me.

So i had breakfast (like 200) then nothing but diet coke until dinner (my stomach was cramping slightly but i felt better than i have in ages) then i eat two sausages and some mash for tea. I'm trying not to think about how much was in that because our food is ridiculous. the mash alone was probably like 500. I'm going to say just over 1000....1200? so i DEFINATELY want to stop. like my tummy is still a little bit crampy but it's not so used to diet coke any more. Oh well it'll survive. 

I want alot of pro plus tonight. I'm scared to drink because of the calories. I'm also too scared to go back on the scales because i've never actually felt as fat as i do now. i want to be drunk but i don't want any more calories. the whole thing upsets me. i just don't want to binge tonight. theres always food at jsoc but i just want to be drunk and happy and not care or feel anything.

I hope this good feeling stays with me.

xoxo

starting to see the christmas ferns get all their lights on around the castle today. this is the best season, winter is just so awesome!

it's been the most beautiful fall/turning into winter this year than i can ever remember. im enjoying it.

i feel good, like im back on another high. i want it to last please! maybe i just needed to adjust or something? i feel kind of ridiculously happy and i keep smiling and shit and...i just want to make the most of this one year i get with everyone coz they're awesome and i love them a bit and stuff. hah sappy much?

the scales ran out of battery, i forgot if i said this. probably. hah its pretty ironic. i'm trying to just forget numbers exist right now. i have these new rules im kind of sticking to, just to feel safe. i'm never going to be thin but i want to try and stay happy.

today was ok: soup & fruit (like 350 max?) then dinner was this chicken stuff with yummy yummy vegetables and a piece of lemon tarte. it was VERY lemon. he gave me whipped cream but like the tiniest teaspoonfull! hah!

work is ok but i'm doing 4 nights in a row then an early sat morning. hah im going to feel like death, im already shattered, but on balance at least the eac essay is over and i'm only working thursday next week! whoo!

i want to get all pro plussed up on thursday and get drunk. just want to be drunk and happy and have fun and not care. i dont get to do that enough. i'll be eating dinner at work that day but otherwise it'd be nice to be empty and stuff. im ok today but im just trying to stay relaxed and happy about everything.

I'm probably pretty close to 2000 today, i walked to uni then home from work though so i don't feel too bad. and anyways, theres always room for improvement!

xoxo

...is how fucking awesome it feels on the upswing.

i fucking hate how fucking ridiculous my moods are. i've been getting so fucking stupid and out of control and so fucking wound up in my own fucking head lately i can't even fucking see straight. I really fucking hate it.

Today though it was gone. Like walking to class, right now, standing in the kitchen...im so fucking spastic how can i feel so happy right now!?!? like literally its like i want to smile and giggle and shit just because the sky is pretty or something stupid like that. I just feel so fucking thankful that i still have my flat and my friends and my job and my uni and whatever.
I don't deserve all that stuff, but i'm trying to be grateful for it.

I can't believe how bad i felt since sunday. Seriously it's only been like 4 days but it felt like it lasted an age. Stupid fucking stupid brain. Whatever i'm happy right now, thats the imporrtant thing.


I'm like 1600 at least today, going to go on the crosstrainer for 45 mins, see if that makes me feel better. Busy busy busy day tomorrow so hopefully i can do better than today. Going to have to stop myself eating lunch. At least there won't be any cake or anything near me. (hopefully!) alcohol at jsoc but if i haven't eaten much then i'll feel much better being weak than drunk. And even if i do drink i won't need much to get buzzed. Maybe just starve all day and take pro plus. Lmao i am just such a fucking awesome role model! 

PS:   it would be nice to be below 120 for the gig in two weeks. 6 lbs in two weeks is nothing. Giving myself an actual goal for once will probably motivate me too.

xoxo