I might join this community: mission101_2009  "101 Things in 1001 Days - January 1, 2009 to September 29, 2011"
29/11/11 i will be...21? graduated university? alone? stronger? different? successful? happy?

It's the last night of 2008 tomorrow. My arm hurts and i think i lost my knife wtf? Well i have a new one so no big deal. This and hunger pains make me feel so fucking happy and i dont give a shit how immature and pathetic and unoriginal it fucking works and i refuse to give up the only things i enjoy. part of me wants to draw blood, want to mark so deep it cant heal but at the same time the marks would make things worse. so for now i'll just make it hurt how i can.

Today out with two of my best friends. We met someone from class, funniest guy. He's really nice. When we tapped his shoulder he turned to say hi and said "so how are you two?" to my friends. Guess i just embrace the paranoia now.

being drunk tomorrow will be lovely.

xoxo

tired. feel sad. not depressed just really sad.

had huge bowl of cereal this morning then felt like i was going to die by the time i got to work but i couldn't eat anything. Dinner in a hour anyways. Kind of weak but at least i don't feel like im going to puke or faint anymore.

sick of feeling lonely. wish i could fix things for people. for the first time in ages today i could actually think clearly. was happy this morning. probably more manic than happy but i'll take what i can get tbh.

my skin is disgusting right now. i haven't eaten much junk (advent chocolate, full fat coke yesterday), had plenty of sleep, stress is cut in half without classes, i scrub it at least once a day. it's so gross i cant deal with it. so annoying. don't know what else to try. so fucking fat and disgusting. i need to stop thinking about it.

my stomach is being all rumbly. its comforting tonight.

just want to curl up in the dark. these strangers at work that say goodnight and wish me merry christmas, i feel happier around them then any other time lately.

oh and i gave up looking forward to new year. it should be grades i spend my time wishing for, not friends.

xoxo

Hate this fucking depression. feel like i'll never be fucking normal. On the plus side i controlled myself quite well today. Was at 121.4, got up at 6.30, didn't eat anything until about 1.30 when i had a soy chai latte at starbucks as a "cheer up" incentive after that stupid exam this morning. Was nice to just sit there for an hour and chat to my mum. Not have to care about anything.

Not actually walked around much today but at least it's better than sitting around the flat binging! Need to remember to get wrapping paper btw! 

Dinner was turkey and potatos and green beans. So many calories but it's the only thing i'll eat today. So i'm probably ok to guess 1000 right? Hopefully i can properly get below 120 this month. It's killing me to see everyone else lose so much weight so normally and i have to fight with my stupid fat self every second not to fucking binge. Seriously emotional eating will be how i die ok.

Need to not have breakfast or lunch tomorrow. Might come down to the shops early so i can get wrapping paper and fun stuff like that. Could have a liquid lunch if i really wanted.

have this obsession now with storing calorie info in my phone so i don't panic when we're out somewhere. makes everything so much fucking better. like 203 for starbucks today. I can deal with splurging as long as i'm still in control. Uchiage party on friday. i will NOT let everyone see how much of a fatass i am. Just gonna go, force out some happy, control myself.

Good things to focus on:
wrapping everyones presents and giving them out!!!
meeting up with linz (hopefully!)
finishing exams
making christmas dinner and dessert.


xoxo

PS Lena said she might be able to get me some wrist bands for hogmanay, we probably wont use them but it would be cool to offer them to people!!