i feel pretty sick. i hate abusing my body like this, not its fault im screwed up in the head. Serioiusly like 2500 at least. about 800 was various bowls of cereal throughout the day then some soup to balance out my salt levels and stuff...also i stole a huge apple. so like 1500 was all of that. which was a ridiculous amount but not too much fat or anything.

I binged again though. i don't know why i do shit like this to myself. i feel like death now. just spoonfulls of chocolate and fudge. I hate shit like that why do i stuff myself with it even though i hate it??!?! like i seriously actually hate it but for like that exact moment i just get this huge fucking compulsion to force it all down. thinking about it right now makes me want to go be sick but i don't do that. i refuse to be weak like that. If i cant control my fucking binging then i deserve to get the calories.

I'm going to look more disgusting than usual thanks to all this binging lately.
my stomach is fucked and my skin feels icky. I want to be fucking empty im so mad at myself i could cry. wish i cud take pro plus and feel my heart and not care. I'm going to be super awesome to myself and just have water until ....hmmm....letssee....2 oclock tomorrow. 2pm. Then i can have some tuna or something. maybe see if theres any quorn or anything i can put with it from the freezer. then after six no eating. So yeah im going to get my fucking control back and stop feeling like i want to die. thisissostupid!!!

So fail again today. Tomorrow will be awesome. 2pm....then i'll give myself what i need for the day. thats it.
i NEED to finish this fucking essay, i'm so sick of writing it!

xoxo

like 3000 at least. most probably more. i always fucking forget how bad a binge feels. fucking cake baking all day tomorrow and whilst i should be excited right now i just feel so fucking disgusting and it's going to be horrible getting over this binge, especially being surrounded by cake for two days. Then i have work twice this week. if i go home then im so fucking fucked. no seriously like i hate my life so much when i binge. MY stomach fucking hurts all i've done is stuff myself with junk. saturdays are not good days.

Tomorrow im going to take my vitamins, crosstrain, shower, have cereal. then i think i should be on like....500 or something? My metab is going to be so out of whack now. jesus im not a child i shouldn't be fucking binging like this it's bullshit! Ok im going to be ridiculous and have a bowl of cereal then convince myself that it would be monumentally stupid to try and throw up. its too late to do any good anyways. its YEARS too late.

Ellas cheekbones are so nice. i have to be so much fucking better. i need to be bones. stupid fucking addiction to losing weight. seriously wtf? why cant i be addicted to heroin like every other scottish person?!?!

Tomorrow i will make amazing cake and eat as little as i can physically manage. im super fucking excited. im finding it difficult to even fucking binge tonight. i've had loads of calories and even a bit of chocolate spread but most of it was pretty fucking tame stuff. i can't fucking bring myself to eat fucking chocolate or cake or ice cream any more. seriously it's fucking ridiculous. christmas is going to fucking kill me. i feel sorry for girls going through thanksgiving right now.

the scales are going to be like 128 tomorrow im going to throw myself off the roof when i see that stupid fucking number. alas its fucking motivation ok?

right end of my binge (eh more cereal) then im going to plan food. god i fucking HATE how i feel after a binge. its like i cant stand to be in my own fucking fat body. ew ew ew ew ew ew

tomorrow i will be the epitome of fucking control.

this cold can go fuck itself i refuse to eat like this for another day.

xoxo